Episode 2.10 transcript - “I’M PERFORMING”
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Would not be possible without our generous parishioners.
We’d like to thank Leanne Egan for their seminar on young adult publishing for our youth group! We have so many passionate young writers who greatly appreciated the focus on LGBT+ representation. The wider church may not be so thrilled with the topic, but we won’t tell if you won’t.
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[MUSIC: The Forgive Me! theme song plays on the church organ.]
[SFX: Screen to the confessional opening and closing. Fr. Ben sits down with a sigh.]
[MUSIC: Contemplative music plays in the background on a piano.]
FR. BEN: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been over a year since my last confession.
[MUSIC: The song stops abruptly.]
FR. KLEM: Oh, is this really necessary?
FR. BEN: (EXASPERATED) Do you want the donuts or not? I went 15 minutes out of my way to that bakery and had to sneak past a far too happy Joe Walters on my way out the door.
FR. KLEM: Alright, fine. A deal is a deal. Where are they?
FR. BEN: Look outside your screen.
[MUSIC: The song picks back up with percussion and strings as well as the keyboard, bouncy, driving.]
[SFX: Screen opens. Klem leans over to grab the paper bag and rustles through it.]
FR. KLEM: Oh! This is wonderful... did you get... yes! Classic glazed. My God, I'll never understand all these other new flavors people crave nowadays. All you need is a simple yeast with a glaze. No need for lemon hibiscus, or avocado, or whatever the hell else these highfalutin bakeshops are doing to please the hipsters...
FR. BEN: Can we please start?
FR. KLEM: (SARCASTICALLY) Oh, oh my apologies, Father! I was just bonding with an old friend for the first time since it tried to kill me.
FR. BEN: The sooner we get going, the sooner you two can bond.
[SFX: Klem continues to rustle through the bag.]
FR. KLEM: (MOUTH FULL) We're already right back to where we left off, thank you very much.
[SFX: Klem crinkles the bag one last time and dusts his hands off.]
FR. KLEM: Alright, so what would you like to confess?
[MUSIC: The percussion ends and we go back to the more somber, droning piano chords from earlier.]
FR. BEN: Well... a lot of things have been weighing on me lately.
FR. KLEM: You? Nooo. I can't believe it!
FR. BEN: I think, first of all, I'm just feeling off. Like I'm in a pretty dark place about everything with regard to what I'm doing.
FR. KLEM: What do you mean?
FR. BEN: I mean, I don't think living with you has helped much with my optimism about the clergy.
FR. KLEM: (CHUCKLING) You wound me, Father!
FR. BEN: Oh, please. I'm just saying that I wake up every day and go out attempting to do this job of offering help and emotional support for people, but when they do finally come to me for guidance, I find myself acting distant and transactional instead. Like, I'm trying, but something's missing. At this point, I'm honestly worried I'm doing more harm than good.
FR. KLEM: Uh, I-I don't get what you mean?
FR. BEN: Look, I don't really expect you to understand, but what I'm trying to say is that I'm performing when I counsel people, and I think it leads to my priestly wisdom being flat and useless.
[MUSIC: The song ends.]
FR. KLEM: Like what? Give me an example.
FR. BEN: Ok, so, take last month, for instance. I spoke to this engaged couple for Pre-Cana Counseling before their upcoming wedding. They were both very anxious about specific aspects of the ceremony and I started picking at that in the way that I do.
FR. KLEM: Oh God. What happened?
FR. BEN: Well, that point in the conversation centered around who would serve the body and blood at mass. The husband's family is from out of town and the wife, she's generational at St. Pat's.
FR. KLEM: Is that, uhhh, Carl Donaldson's granddaughter?
FR. BEN: You know I can't say.
FR. KLEM: Hah! So it definitely was then?
FR. BEN: No, it.. alright fine, you're right.
FR. KLEM: (SCANDALOUS) I knew it! What a nightmare little kid she was. It's great to hear she's getting married, but did you hear about Carl's romance?
FR. BEN: No, with who?
FR. KLEM: Annie Carbone!
FR. BEN: Is that that usher Steve's mom?
FR. KLEM: The one and only!
FR. BEN: Good for Carl. Glad to hear that.
FR. KLEM: The way Margaret tells it, they'd been sneaking off and necking in the church bathroom during your homilies at 5 pm mass. Apparently, once her son started dragging her to a different service, she and Carl had to make it publically official to keep the fire going.
FR. BEN: I guess I take comfort in my long sermons being good for something.
FR. KLEM: (AMUSED) Sure, I suppose you could say that. I always thought they were fine for a nice cat nap, but that's just me.
FR. BEN: Tell me you're not actually sleeping during services.
FR. KLEM: I'd rather not lie in here, son… Anyway, back to you telling me why you're such a bad person.
FR. BEN: Right. So this couple, Jacob and Lizzie: there was clearly tension in the room about who would do the Eucharistic ministry. Jacob starts to explain how it means a lot to him that so much of his family is willing to fly in from Scotland to be at the ceremony, and most of them happen to be Catholic, so he thought maybe having them act as ministers would be a great gesture to make them feel more welcome. Meanwhile, as you probably guessed, Lizzie responds about how important it is to honor her family who has been coming here for so long, and it would be an insult not to have them do it, given they are actual Eucharistic ministers here.
FR. KLEM: And I bet you left it right there didn't you?
FR. BEN: Well, no, I did that whole thing I do where I start asking too many questions, picking at it, trying to figure out what this is all really about under the surface.
[MUSIC: A timpani swells before pizzicato, percussive strings begin to play.]
FR. BEN: Cut to 5 minutes later and he's saying:
JACOB: Why is it my family who always has to fly here!? When will you finally make the trip to see my home?!
FR. BEN: And then she's saying:
LIZZIE: My parents have always felt undervalued by you! Would it kill you to show them a little bit of respect?
FR. BEN: And then they wind up leaving the office both in tears.
JACOB: (STORMING OFF) Maybe this was all just a big mistake, then! I can’t do this right now, I’ve gotta get out of here.
LIZZIE: (STANDING UP TO FOLLOW) Jacob, no, wait! Stop being an asshole!
[SFX: The office door slams as we shift back into the confessional.]
FR. BEN: Then I don't hear from them for a while until finally getting an email from Lizzie a week later saying the wedding is "postponed."
[MUSIC: Bells are folded in at the very end as the song crescendoes and ends.]
FR. KLEM: That's too bad for those kids.
FR. BEN: I know. I feel just awful about it. They were laughing and excited walking in... and then after we talked for 30 minutes, their whole relationship was up in flames. When I signed up to be a conduit for God, I didn't expect to be out here smiting perfectly happy relationships.
FR. KLEM: And you honestly believe that?
FR. BEN: What?
FR. KLEM: That those two twenty-whatevers walked into your office, in perfect harmony, and after five minutes of your basic, open-ended therapy questions that you single-handedly changed the course of their relationship?
FR. BEN: I get that it's more nuanced than that, but when I’m the one asking the questions...
FR. KLEM: I don't think it is. I think you're just being a bit of an idiot about it.
FR. BEN: Hey!
FR. KLEM: What?! You know I'm right.
FR. BEN: Yeah, I get your point... The whole goal of counseling like that is to interrogate the relationship before completing the marriage sacrament. In the end, I was doing my job even if it's a part of it I don't happen to like.
FR. KLEM: Ah, no, that wasn't my point.
FR. BEN: Then what was it?
FR. KLEM: That you're not that important!
FR. BEN: Yeah, alright... I get it.
FR. KLEM: No, no, no, no, no. (SIGH) It’s not like that. I mean, yes, you're also dramatic, self-important, and Mr. Idealism, but I just mean you're doing your best to have small impacts in a positive way, which is how it's supposed to work. Your meeting represents one very little thing in these people's lives, and that's fine.
FR. BEN: Wow.
FR. KLEM: What?
FR. BEN: That was almost sincere advice coming from you.
FR. KLEM: Ehhh, don't get used to it.
FR. BEN: I don't think you'd let me.
FR. KLEM: So are we done here? I told you my confessions are more efficient.
FR. BEN: I... don't know... I just feel like I didn't get to the heart of what I'm doing wrong.
FR. KLEM: (ANNOYED) Alright, I'm gonna eat another donut then.
[SFX: Klem noisily grabs another doughnut from the bag.]
FR. BEN: Whatever. I just mean that, as I said earlier, I feel very distant from my actions, especially lately. Like I'm genuinely trying to help people, sure, but there's this cloud over everything and I don't feel like I'm living up to my vows.
FR. KLEM: (MOUTH FULL) It sounds like you're sad.
FR. BEN: Sad? No... I mean it's more complicated than an emotion. My role here helping people is being distorted because—
FR. KLEM: Because you're sad.
FR. BEN: I don't get what you're playing at.
FR. KLEM: Ben, I live with you in that house across the street and you expect me not to pick up on your mood? Trust me, I've tried to ignore you and sprint toward my own black hole of death, but I know moping when I see it.
FR. BEN: This isn't moping... it's—I think I'm just not doing right by these people.
FR. KLEM: (SIGHING) Fine.
FR. BEN: What?
FR. KLEM: We'll do it your way.
[MUSIC: The calm, minor version of the end credits music beings to play on piano, light percussion, and finger snaps.]
FR. BEN: What do you mean?
FR. KLEM: (SOUNDING LIKE HE'S DELIVERING A BOOK REPORT) It sounds very challenging, what you're going through. Why do you think you feel so distant?
FR. BEN: What? Are you role-playing as me?
FR. KLEM: It's clearly what you want.
FR. BEN: No... look I don't have anyone else to talk to about this stuff. Can you just humor me for a minute and stop trying to make me feel like a joke?
FR. KLEM: That's what I'm doing. Just answer the question.
FR. BEN: Fine, I don't know. I just know with everyone I talk to, I'm genuinely trying to help, but on the inside, I feel farther away from them. Like I need to rely on being in a role for them to get through my own day.
FR. KLEM: Hmmmm. When do you think it started?
FR. BEN: It's been a while now, honestly looking back I think... well... Christ, I mean I do know when.
[MUSIC: Most of the instruments fade again and we go back to ringing piano notes before the song ends.]
FR. KLEM: Go on...
FR. BEN: A couple of months before you were released from the home... somebody came to visit me.
FR. KLEM: That reporter from Catholicnews.com?
FR. BEN: (AGGRAVATED) Wait, how'd you… (DEEP SIGH) Margaret?
FR. KLEM: Yes, who else? I tried to look for the article to have a laugh but figured you just came off as too progressive and they scrapped it.
FR. BEN: That's not exactly how it went down... The person visiting wasn't really a reporter.
FR. KLEM: I see. Well, that makes a heck of a lot more sense. Plus, Margaret was almost positive the exact same woman asking questions on behalf of a private investigator.
FR. BEN: Yeah, that tracks.
FR. KLEM: Wait this wasn't… the lady?
FR. BEN: (ASHAMED) It was.
FR. KLEM: (FAKE APPALLED) And you brought her here? In front of God and Margaret?
FR. BEN: I didn't bring her! She found out where I was and wanted to... hear directly from me about why I left.
FR. KLEM: Like a sheep in the night, right? That was quite a bit of gossip to get, while I was still cooped up in the home. That jackass Fr. Antonio, jumping on my condition to foist his controversial little priest problem onto my lap.
FR. BEN: Yeah well, here we are. Anyway, I talked through everything with her and how leaving the ministry for love felt hollow, but even as I explained it to her, standing in a room face to face with her again, I realized I wasn't sure what I'd done was right, and even saying my reasoning out loud to her felt... weak.
FR. KLEM: And I assume it was a great conversation about your noble ideals?
FR. BEN: It wasn't like that. I was honest about how much of a strange, selfish decision doing this job is, but that I just couldn't leave it behind.
FR. KLEM: Oh, now that had to go over well.
FR. BEN: Not exactly.
FR. KLEM: So you have this conversation, and since then you've felt distant while you're doing your job. What about the rest of the time?
FR. BEN: What do you mean?
FR. KLEM: Like outside of work, how're you doing?
FR. BEN: I'm a Priest. What outside of work?
FR. KLEM: Come on, Ben. You can't be serious with that?
FR. BEN: Just because you decided to walk away from caring about this doesn't mean I have to.
FR. KLEM: Aw give me a break, you emotional boy, you know what I mean. You're not doing your job when you're buying groceries or taking a shit.
FR. BEN: You're being a little binary here, and frankly yes I am doing my job at the grocery store. Do you know how many members of our parish I run into every time I'm at Greggmans'?
FR. KLEM: My only point is that you're allowed to have interests and care about things and just be a God damned person in this world. Outside of your crusade in the cloth.
FR. BEN: I don't think it's that simple...
FR. KLEM: It is though, yes. You're still a person, and I even see you being a person all the time. I'm often surprised by how hard you make it look, but you're pulling it off I promise.
FR. BEN: Look I get what you're saying but there's more t… (CHUCKLING) Eugh, aw man...
FR. KLEM: What now?
[MUSIC: The wandering, contemplative piano comes back in with light synth underneath.]
FR. BEN: Sorry, I just had a bit of déjà vu with how basically all of my confessions go. People believing their situation is too nuanced to possibly be penned in by a single confession… So... alright, no but's: I see your point.
FR. KLEM: Well about time. So then... what's going on with you not as a priest.
FR. BEN: I've been similarly foggy I think, just going through my day… No, that's bullshit. Look, I've been thinking about that conversation with Olivia in most of my idle moments. I go to work and do this job and it's numbing and I put on this collar and it's fine for a bit, because it's something to do to pass the time. I come back to our place and I watch Jeopardy and This is Us with you on the couch and that's fine too. Frankly, having you around has been nice because you're such a relentless ass it actually gives me something to get frustrated at aside from myself.
FR. KLEM: I'm glad I could help.
FR. BEN: I'm sure you are.
FR. KLEM: What do you feel then? Uh, guilt?
FR. BEN: No... I mean yes... but moreso, shame. I play that conversation back in my head, and then the decisions that led to it, and I don't know... it's too painful to focus on, but it's playing constantly. And in any moment there's nothing else going on and I don't have anything to distract me, boom there it is.
FR. KLEM: Sorry kid, sounds like you're carrying a heavy load at the moment.
[MUSIC: The synths turn and sound almost sinister for a moment.]
FR. BEN: I drive by it sometimes.
FR. KLEM: Where?
FR. BEN: The PI office.
FR. KLEM: (SERIOUS) Ben, you really shouldn't be doing that.
[MUSIC: The song ends.]
FR. BEN: I know, I know. I'm not doing it really. I took a wrong turn on my way home from the store a couple months ago and noticed it out of the corner of my eye.
FR. KLEM: What, and you stopped?
FR. BEN: Jesus, no. I kept driving but I've just been… I've taken that route home ever since. Honestly, I don't let the thought about it even get into the front of my mind... I just find myself driving past wondering if I'll see her.
FR. KLEM: Have you?
FR. BEN: Never. I saw her car parked out front a few times, though.
FR. KLEM: What're you hoping happens?
FR. BEN: I don't know... nothing... I just... I don't know.
FR. KLEM: Son, you've dealt with enough dumbass men in this profession to know that's an ugly road to start down.
FR. BEN: (RESIGNED) I... yeah... you're right. Now that I hear myself say it out loud, I'm such an idiot.
FR. KLEM: (SIGH) Benjamin, you just have to come up for air. Did you mess up? Yes. Are you totally moved on from that? Clearly not. But you know what? I absolve you on behalf of your distant, imaginary God.
[MUSIC: The contemplative, hopeful ending music begins to play in earnest on piano, drums, and mellotron.]
FR. BEN: (SHOCKED) Wow, wasn't expecting that from you.
FR. KLEM: This is a confession, isn't it?
FR. BEN: I guess so.
FR. KLEM: Well, there you are, absolved by God from this sin. I did the sign of the cross and everything. So, now you have to ask yourself a new question.
FR. BEN: What's that?
FR. KLEM: What the hell do you want with your life?
FR. BEN: I mean, I think I made that pretty clear when I took my vows.
FR. KLEM: Nothing more normal than letting the decision of your 25-year-old self determine the rest of your life. We just talked about this whole part of yourself that you've been neglecting because you can't see past the cloth. If you can't be a priest and take care of yourself, maybe you're right. What's that thing on the airplanes, put the oxygen mask over your own mouth before you try and help others?
FR. BEN: What are you suggesting?
FR. KLEM: There's a whole lot to do outside of this church, this horrible little town... Maybe some of your original impulses were the right ones for you.
FR. BEN: You're saying you think... I should see if Olivia still wants to run away together?
FR. KLEM: (FALLING OVER HIMSELF, LAUGHING) What?! No, no, oh no, you idiot! You sweet, stupid boy. How did you get there from what I was saying? Oh my God, I just meant pursuing a different pa... you know what... never mind. This priest playdate is over.
FR. BEN: Come on Klem, I feel like we were just about to get somewhere.
FR. KLEM: Nope! I absolved your sins and I'm completely out of donuts. Nothing left for me to do here.
[SFX: Screens open one after the other.]
FR. BEN: Klem...
FR. KLEM: Are you coming? There's a new competition show on Fox I don't wanna miss.
FR. BEN: (SIGH) Alright, fine.
[SFX: Footsteps echoing through the church. The dialogue begins to fade.]
FR. BEN: What's this competition show?
FR. KLEM: Just a bunch of celebrities from around the world playing hide and go seek with Jane Lynch.
FR. BEN: Oh, I bet she's very perceptive.
FR. KLEM: I know, but she's such a big personality I feel like Rita Moreno will here her coming and dance away out of the scenario.
FR. BEN: Hah, fair point.
[MUSIC: The Forgive Me ending credits music begins to play.]
Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Jack Marone and Bob Raymonda.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
Josh Rubino Father Klem
David Pellow Jacob
Julia Schifini Lizzie
Script editing by Jordan Stillman.
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by me, Adam Raymonda.
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
Find out about we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
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And that marks the end of Forgive Me season two! We cannot thank you all enough for continuing to go on this journey with us. We couldn’t keep doing this without all of your love and support. You’ll be happy to know we’re already deep into writing season 3 and are so excited to come back next year, bigger and better than ever!
That’s all for now, but keep an eye on this feed for some other special releases in the meantime!