Episode transcript - “CLOSING THE CASE”

ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! Season 3, episode 12: Closing the Case.

[SFX: Olivia’s footsteps again at the site of the fire.] 

OLIVIA: (muttering to herself) The fire started in the kitchen, so probably it makes sense to start with the oven. It’s steel so maybe… where did I put that kit…(sound of unzipping)... There it is. So, the first step was to brush with gentle brush… ugh watch it again.

[SFX: Phone clicking as she opens an app.]

[SFX: Theme song to the Private Ernie YouTube channel plays.]

PRIVATE ERNIE: Hello there, everyone. Thanks for stopping by my channel once again. All you Private Eyes out there are watching me. Get it? Like Hall and Oates? Well, anyway, before we get to the video, I wanted to give you an update on the family of pigeons we found in my bathtub.

OLIVIA: Fast forwarding…

PRIVATE ERNIE: And I have to say, it’s been better giving them the whole upstairs. My wife and I really don’t mind the guest room. Enough about me. Let’s talk the brand new, state-of-the-art Private Ernie Fingerprint Kit.

OLIVIA: Jesus Christ, get to the point.

PE: Alrighty private eyes, now once you open your fingerprint kit you’re gonna sprinkle your Ernie dust (it’s just talcum powder)—

OLIVIA: Right! The powder. Okay sprinkling that on this oven knob…

PE: Now take the patented Private Ernie gentle brush and brush it to reveal any prints—

OLIVIA: Alright, moment of truth here… Oh shit I might actually have something.

PE: Once you see something take your tape--

OLIVIA: Carefully… (phone starts blaring, hear it crash to the floor) Shit! Fuck, I smudged it. God! FUCK! (exhales, picks up the phone) This is Olivia.

DAME JUDY: SQUAWK Susan wants to talk!

OLIVIA: SUSAN, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD!

DAME JUDY: I am not Susan, my name is Dame Judy Dench…(sound of footsteps)

SUSAN: That’s enough now, Dame Judy. Olivia? Are you alright? Where are you?

OLIVIA: I’m fine… I’m down at the church.

SUSAN: Again? Olivia, this isn’t Truth and Justice; new clues won’t just manifest at the crime scene.

OLIVIA: They’re knocking the building down tomorrow so I knew this was my last chance to dust for prints. I nearly had one too if it wasn’t for you having that bird call me, making me smudge the damn thing.

SUSAN: Dusting for prints? To do what with?

OLIVIA: I figured the person who did this would need to have touched something so… I bought a kit and figured I’d give it a shot.

SUSAN: There’s no criminal case. The police won’t just let us run them in their database.

OLIVIA: I figured your friend down at the station maybe could do us a favor?

SUSAN: (laughs) I am not wasting a favor from her on prints that will likely just show us one of those… seamen... anyway.

OLIVIA: (offended) What the hell do you want me to say, Susan? I’ve hit a wall with this and I need to figure out something. We can’t just keep talking to the same people over and over. I feel useless!

SUSAN: Olivia, dear, are you alright?

OLIVIA: What? Yeah, I mean it’s just been pretty hard, you know?

[SFX: Phone ringing distantly on Susan’s end.]

DAME JUDY: SUSAN! PHONE! 

SUSAN: Hold that thought Olivia. It’s the office line…Yes? Oh, hello there Supreme Admiral. I appreciate that but you have to understand… No, no, I don’t think that’s... Right now? Where? That should work fine. My assistant is already there. See you shortly… Olivia?

OLIVIA: Yes, Susan?

SUSAN: Our illustrious benefactor is headed your way and wants to meet. I’ll be over in a second.

OLIVIA: I take it he didn’t love our most recent update?

SUSAN: I’ll tell you more once I’m there.

[SFX: Wind outside and the sound of a car pulling up. Doors open and shut.]

SUSAN: Did I beat him?

OLIVIA: Yup. What’s the big hubbub?

SUSAN: He’s just being a classic blow—Oh Hello, Supreme Admiral. Great to see you!

ROGER: I wish I could say the same. Where were you? Just rolling in mud?

OLIVIA: It’s soot. I was just combing your building again for clues.

ROGER: Now? What kind of sham operation is this? It’s been a month!

OLIVIA: I’ve been down here seven times!

ROGER: And found nothing! I cannot believe what an unbelievable waste of resources you women are.

SUSAN: Now Supreme Admiral, I know this has been a trying time…

OLIVIA: What are you trying to say Roger?

SUSAN: Olivia…

ROGER: What I’m trying to say is that when you two sloppy, emotional women walked up to me after the festival, I should have sent you home to your spinster cats and hired a real detective. 

OLIVIA: I have worked way too hard to be talked to like—

ROGER: It’s my money paying for that work so I’ll talk to you however the fuck I want. 

OLIVIA: Like hell I’m going to stand here and be scolded—

SUSAN: (sternly) Olivia… Take a breath for a second. Roger, I’m sorry this meeting got off on the wrong foot, but if you’ll just listen to me—

ROGER: No. You listen to me! This last month you’ve come back to me with what? The oil had to get hot, and nothing else?

SUSAN: Now dear, if you’d let us explain.

ROGER: As if I didn’t already have the only feasible leads laid out for you on a goddamned silver platter and you dismiss them like childish girls needing to solve their own little puzzle.

OLIVIA: You have the self control of a fucking spaghetti noodle.

ROGER: I am closing the case. We are DONE. You will not be seeing a cent of your final invoice. You two bitches are such fucking scum I genuinely hope you—

OLIVIA: Get bent, you Napoleonic puddle of dogshit.

ROGER: I am the SUPREME ADMIRAL of this building. You really need to learn to watch who the hell you’re talking to.

FR. BEN: What in the name of God is going on out here! Roger, I can hear you yelling at these two from inside the church while I’m giving confession. What is wrong with you?

ROGER: Father, there’s no need for you to get involved.

FR. BEN: We’re in the church parking lot and you’re acting inappropriately. I think it’s my place to get involved.

OLIVIA:  We’ve got it handled, your holiness. This big smart man here was just teaching us about what incompetent little girls we are.

ROGER: Now listen here you little cu—* (cuts off as Ben shoves him)

FR. BEN: (grunts as he shoves Roger) ROGER YOU ARE LEAVING NOW. COME ON. 

ROGER: UNHAND ME, YOU IDIOT.

[SFX: Roger punches Ben. Ben grunts as he falls to the ground.]

OLIVIA: WHAT THE FUCK! WHO PUNCHES A PRIEST?!

[SFX: Olivia punches Roger. Roger grunts as he falls to the ground.]

SUSAN: Excellent right hook, Olivia. 

OLIVIA: Thanks, Susan.

SUSAN: And to think you resisted when I told you to borrow my Tae Bo VHS Tapes. I told you they’d come in handy during fieldwork!

[MIDROLL AD BREAK]

[SFX: Musical cue coming back from break. Ringing a bit like you’re coming to from a concussion.]

FR. BEN: (pained) Jesus, my head. Where am I?

FR. KLEM: Hello son. My name is Saint Peter. Unfortunately, I checked the list and I don’t see you on here.

FR. BEN: Klem, if you’re here either I’m in our apartment or the devil has a real corny sense of humor.

FR. KLEM: Jajaja, you’re back home safe and sound my sweetie, away from the big bad seamen.

FR. BEN: Oh shit, Olivia. Is she ok? Roger seemed out of contr…

OLIVIA: (calling from the other room) I’m fine! Can I borrow these peas? I need to ice my hand.

FR. BEN: (shocked she’s there) Uh… sure. We do have an ice pack in the…

OLIVIA: (Sound now clearly closer.) Nah, these are fine.

FR. BEN: Wait, what happened? Why are you here? Not that it’s an issue, I just didn’t expect anyone to be here, even me for that matter.

OLIVIA: It’s fine. I get it. You got knocked out and then Roger…

FR. KLEM: (laughing) Ms. Fleabag here put your assailant on his ass!

OLIVIA: What did you just… Wait does he…

FR. BEN: Fr. Antonio blabbed to him and he has too many streaming subscriptions. Klem, I appreciate your doting and concern for my well being but could you maybe give us a minute?

FR. KLEM: (putting on his best martyr voice) Fine, fine, I’ll be in my bedroom… praying my rosary. (Muttering) Old man runs out of the house to help drag his unconscious friend home from an assault, but what thanks does he get? Go to your room he says!

FR. BEN: (Taking as Klem mutters away) His rosary is what he calls his Bintendo Swap.

OLIVIA: I was gonna say, even for a priest he really didn’t strike me as the rosary type.

FR. BEN: Is anyone the rosary type?

OLIVIA: You are Ben.

FR. BEN: (chuckles) Ow, okay don’t make me laugh.

OLIVIA: Sorry. He really got you, huh?

FR. BEN: And you really got him apparently. Where’s the Supreme Admiral now?

OLIVIA: Beats me. Probably hiding in his conversion van back at the office. We told him you wouldn’t press charges if he paid out our retainer for the rest of the month.

FR. BEN: Did he agree to that? Did I?

OLIVIA: With you I figured I was owed at least one punch in the face.

FR. BEN: Fair enough.

OLIVIA: With Roger, I think the realization that he’d just assaulted the pastor of his local church left him pretty amenable to our demands. 

FR. BEN: All's well that ends well, I guess.

OLIVIA: (sighs) Yup.

FR. BEN: What is it?

OLIVIA: What?

FR. BEN: Ol, I know you well enough to see something’s on your mind. Plus you’ve been around St. Pat’s constantly the last few months and haven’t said more than two words to me.

OLIVIA: So? I told you I don’t owe you any niceties and you know full well I was working this case.

FR. BEN: No, no, sorry. I get why you were ignoring me. What’s weird is that you’re not right now.

OLIVIA: I’m not just going to walk off with your peas.

FR. BEN: Alright, fine. Be like that.

OLIVIA: Oh, save it for the confessional.

FR. BEN: (doing an impression of himself) Confession is a great way to convene not only with God but with yourself, but you have to be ready to take that step.

OLIVIA: What the hell did I ever see in you?

FR. BEN: (laughs) Beats me.

[SFX: Beat of silence, Klem can be heard playing Hades “You’re not gonna get me this time Cassandra.”]

OLIVIA: Alright, fine.

FR. BEN: I knew it!

OLIVIA: It’s this case, Ben. Somebody really did burn down the A of A Lounge.

FR. BEN: (joking) Was the bowling alley burned intentionally too or was that fire unrelated?

OLIVIA: I’m serious, Ben. I have evidence.

FR. BEN: Did you show Ted?

OLIVIA: The fire marshall? Yeah and he dismissed it out of hand, said it was a cut and dry cook fire, which is impossible based on the timeline I have.

FR. BEN: He’s never been the most thorough investigator. Let Klem go pretty crazy with the fireworks during the Easter Vigil this year.

OLIVIA: He’s terrible, but, listen, I’m one hundred percent certain there was tampering.

FR. BEN: That’s scary. 

OLIVIA: I know, and it’s been weeks, and I still don’t have a clear lead on who did it.

FR. BEN: Roger, Brett, and crew do have a special way of pissing people off. I can think of a bunch who probably wish they could have lit that match.

OLIVIA: What about you?

FR. BEN: Come on Ol. I’m a Catholic priest. Dealing with backwards-minded idiots like those men is just part of the job. Plus you think I’d risk burning down this beautiful apartment?

OLIVIA: That half oven from 1975 is pretty stunning.

FR. BEN: I always say I’m in this business for the lavish lifestyle.

OLIVIA: (not humored by Ben mentioning how he chose the priesthood) Uh huh.

FR. BEN: (sensing awkwardness changing the subject back to the case) Well, I really appreciate you warning me about that.

OLIVIA: Sure.

FR. BEN: I have to be honest, from a distance I’d thought you were just helping Roger cosplay as Joseph McCarthy.

OLIVIA: (ashamed) I mean, I’d be lying if that wasn’t partly what he had me out there doing.

FR. BEN: That explains why I had voicemails from half the Walters family last week.

OLIVIA: Oh, really? Is Emily alright? I really didn’t mean to upset her.

FR. BEN: Emily’s fine. She was worried about you if anything. Said she thought you were in over your head and suggested I tell you to come to confession.

OLIVIA: Damn, I kinda wish she was just mad at me. 

FR. BEN: Emily’s a good Catholic: very adept at helping you find your guilt.

OLIVIA: Can’t argue there.

FR. BEN: So why put up with the charade?

OLIVIA: Because that wasn’t really the job. We had to appease Roger and have a couple conversations, but it wasn’t the actual work.

FR. BEN: What was the actual work? 

OLIVIA: Ben, somebody committed arson like 50 yards from here. I’m trying to catch a criminal.

FR. BEN: (responding politely) Got it. Yeah, that makes sense.

OLIVIA: Okay now, you what?

FR. BEN: What?

OLIVIA: You’re thinking something.

FR. BEN: No, I’m not! I mean, I’m always thinking, you know me, but it’s not anything more than—

OLIVIA: Ben, don’t bullshit me. I know your “I’m gonna ask a therapy question” tone from a mile away.

FR. BEN: Ol, I really don’t want to pry.

OLIVIA: God, you can be so dramatic. I’m sitting here with frozen peas on my hand while you nurse a concussion. I think we’re past whatever boundaries we’ve put up. Pry away.

FR. BEN: Fine…

OLIVIA: Go on…

FR. BEN: It’s just, knowing you the way I do… the way I did… I don't think it tracks to me that this lines up with your values.

OLIVIA: Do you think I’m pro-arson? Sorry if we didn’t talk about this when we made out in the rectory, but to clarify I’m decidedly anti.

FR. BEN: Jesus, Olivia. Come on, you know that’s not what I meant.

OLIVIA: So what do you mean? 

FR. BEN: I mean I don’t think you’re decidedly anti a bunch of bigots getting their private bowling alley burned down. (hedging a bit) Or at least not somebody who would get all crime and punishment about itOLIVIA: You know it’s more nuanced than that.

FR. BEN: Not really. Look, it’s concerning that you found out somebody went out of their way to target that building, but nobody was hurt, and St. Pat’s didn’t even get stained by the smoke. The only reason I even have to pretend to care is the A of A families make up 20 percent of the whole parish. What’s your excuse?

OLIVIA: (sighs) I don’t know, Ben. What do you want me to say?

FR. BEN: Nothing, I just said I wouldn’t bullshit you…

OLIVIA: (crinkling) Fucking peas thawed out.

FR. BEN: I’m telling you, grab the ice pack. It’s awesome. I got it off Sky Mall.

OLIVIA: (walking away) God, you’re such a weirdo, you know that? 

FR. BEN: (sighs) Yes, I do.

OLIVIA: (shouting back) Wait, is it a fish? 

FR. BEN: Yeah! You can just put your hand in its mouth. Hilarious right?

OLIVIA: (uncertain, walking back next to Ben) I guess so…

FR. BEN: It’s not a real fish.

OLIVIA: Yeah, the block lettering on the side that says hand fish was a dead giveaway.

FR. BEN: Point taken.

[SFX: Another beat of silence, Klem still playing Hades “I got you Heracles, you handsome prick!!!!”]

OLIVIA: (sighs) It’s really been a hell of a year, Ben.

FR. BEN: Olivia, I know I keep saying it, but I’m so sorry. It’s beyond unfair that you’ve had to…

OLIVIA: (interrupting) No, no, listen. I’m past that. Over it? No. But I’m past it. I’m onto bigger and bleaker things.

FR. BEN: Like what?

OLIVIA: (laughs mirthfully) Like the rest of my fucking life, Ben.

FR. BEN: Listen, I know things have been chaotic, but that will pass, you’re an amazing person and…

OLIVIA: That’s the thing though. It was chaotic, and it was horrible, and I was miserable and just shellshocked. That day happened, and in the span of 24 hours I went from a stable, if unhappy, marriage to running away, just to show back up at the house where I’d just ripped Sam’s heart out before finally landing at my very unhappy parents’ house.

FR. BEN: Sounds horrible.

OLIVIA: It was brutal, but it was happening, so I just kept moving. I’d already quit my job and decided I wasn’t about to beg for the firm to take me back so I just started looking for the first decent job that would take me out of town.

FR. BEN: Can’t blame you.

OLIVIA: It’s funny though. I cast a pretty wide net. I applied to things in London, California. There was a promising paralegal gig in Montreal, and I know enough conversational French I figured I could pull it off.

FR. BEN: So why here?

OLIVIA: I wanted out of Binghamton. My parents were being miserable, and nothing I applied to seemed to be getting back to me immediately. I was at that coffee shop downtown.

FR. BEN: Beanhamton? 

OLIVIA: Yeah, I was sitting at a table, and somebody had left one of those free classified papers on the table. There was an ad that just said “Susan Tubbles, Private Eye. Women only need apply. Job comes with an apartment. Must love birds.”

FR. BEN: Her voice really comes through in that copy.

OLIVIA: (laughs) She’s really a gifted marketer.

FR. BEN: So you called her?

OLIVIA: Yeah, right from the coffee shop. I told her I had a law degree. She told me that this job pays like shit. I said I figured but asked if it still came with the apartment. She said yes and I moved in the next morning. That was all about a week and a half after you left.

FR. BEN: Holy shit.

OLIVIA: Yep. Then I started working the job, met people in town, found out you were somehow also in this tiny fucking town, we had our lovely reunion chat, and then… nothing.

FR. BEN: What do you mean? 

OLIVIA: I mean I watched a ton of TV, got extremely good at cell phone solitaire, worked on cases with Susan, which is 90 percent listening to phone records and accessing databases, and hung out with Dame Judy Dench.

FR. BEN: The actress?

OLIVIA: The bird.

FR. BEN: Oh.

OLIVIA: In the span of a year and a half I went from a life I was in complete control over to being a bird lady, and it’s not even my fucking bird!

FR. BEN: I’m sorry, Olivia.

OLIVIA: Seriously, stop saying that. I’m not looking for pity. Hell, I don't even regret it. How it all went down, sure, but I don’t want to go back to that life. Which makes it all even sadder to me for some reason…

FR. BEN: You know, I didn’t mean I’m sorry like I apologize. I mean it more like I get it. I know the feeling.

OLIVIA: Well, sure. I can imagine you not wanting to go back. Father Klem seems like a lot but you hated Binghamton.

FR. BEN: (sighs) That I did. I meant more the part about not being in control, feeling a little lost.

OLIVIA: Oh?

FR. BEN: Yeah, I mean, feeling trapped and going through the motions to try and help people but not being sure if the work you’re doing is actually doing more harm than good? Very relatable to me.

OLIVIA: (snorts) You saying I’ve been playing priest?

FR. BEN: I’m saying I have, and it feels about as exhausting as this gumshoe thing you’ve got going sounds.

OLIVIA: Pretty fucking exhausting then.

FR. BEN: (chuckling) Pretty fucking exhausting.

[SFX: Another moment of silence Klem can be heard again “I’ve got you this time ODYSSEUS!!!”]

OLIVIA: So what the hell do we do now? And I swear to Christ if you say run away together…

FR. BEN: No, I think the train left the station on that one. 

OLIVIA: (sarcastically) Ha ha.

FR. BEN: Seriously though, for me? No clue. I like this town, I at least have a job I know how to do, and Klem’s really annoying, and he can never know I said this, but I truthfully care about him a lot. 

OLIVIA: That’s really sweet, Ben.

FR. BEN: Yeah, yeah, yeah… But seriously. I’m in enough of an ambivalent place I expect I’ll be floating down this river for a while, which might actually be what I need? I don’t know. What about you?

OLIVIA: Honestly… (a bit exasperated) I just really wanted to solve that damn case. 

FR. BEN: I assume that ship sailed with the Admiral earlier?

OLIVIA: Unfortunately, I don’t think Susan is interested in doing pro bono work to help solve a mystery nobody believes happened or would even care about if they did.

FR. BEN: Are you?

OLIVIA: I’m not. That should have been an easier answer than it feels for me but no, I’m not. Plus I don’t really have any more threads to pull at this stage anyway.

FR. BEN: So, what next?

OLIVIA: Whatever case Susan has for me, I guess. Frankly though, this conversation has me realizing it’s time I start figuring that out. That donut lady Lexi is pretty badass. Maybe I’ll pick her brain.

FR. BEN: I wouldn’t look to her for advice on who to date though.

OLIVIA: Glass houses, Benny.

FR. BEN: You’re right. My apologies. 

[SFX: Another beat of silence Klem once more: “SUCK IT ODYSSEUS! MOTHER I AM COMING FOR YOU!”]

OLIVIA: I should get going. I told Susan I’d meet her at the bar to celebrate our free month of work.

FR. BEN: Gotcha. Yeah, well, thanks again for punching Roger in the face for me.

OLIVIA: It was truly my pleasure. Also, while I definitely need to find people in my life to talk to aside from my ordained ex-lover, I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t helpful, so thank you.

FR. BEN: Was helpl for me too.

OLIVIA: By the way, did you hear that Luke and Sydney moved to town? 

FR. BEN: Yeah, they actually come to the church.

OLIVIA: Ah, that makes sense. I guess I’m the only one who became a total heathen once I left Binghamton. Anyway, I bumped into them the other day. We’re getting dinner next week. You should tag along.

FR. BEN: Olivia, I appreciate it, but I really don’t want to impose on your…

OLIVIA: Ben, I’m past it. We’re never going to be what we were and, hell, I don’t even know if I trust you enough to call you a friend, but I’m in a place where we can at least be friendly, and we both clearly need to get out more. What do you say?

FR. BEN: I’d be happy to join you guys.

OLIVIA: Sounds like a plan. Alright, I’m headed out. (calling to Klem) See you later Father! Congrats on beating the Rosary!

FR. KLEM: (from the other room) Thank you, dear. I’d been stuck on that last hail mary for days!

OLIVIA: See ya, Ben.

FR. BEN: Bye Olivia.

OLIVIA: Actually, can I ask one thing before I head out?

FR. BEN: Sure, what is it?

OLIVIA: I’m definitely overstepping a little, but I have to ask.

FR. BEN: Our whole dynamic is a giant overstep, I think I can handle it.

OLIVIA: Okay, did it come up at all in confession? The fire, I mean.

FR. BEN: Oh, uh, honestly, no. And as messed up as it might be, I think I would have told you if it did.

OLIVIA: Damn… It means a lot you’d tell me. See you later, Benny.

FR. BEN: See ya, Ol.

[MUSIC: Forgive Me! credits music begins to play.]