Episode transcript - “HALLOWED BE THY NAME”
[MUSIC: Forgive Me! Theme plays on a creepier-sounding organ.]
ST. PATRICKS - BACKROOM
STEVE: Five, four, three...
[SFX: A camera boops, starting to record.]
[MUSIC: Bouncey, foreboding strings play under Ben and Klem’s speech.]
FR. KLEM: Hey ‘der all you cool kids it’s Father Klem.
FR. BEN: And Father Ben. And we’re back with another episode of “At St. Patrick’s.”
FR. KLEM: Today we're talking about All Hallow's Eve.
FR. BEN: That’s right. With Halloween fast approaching a lot of folks want to know how they can celebrate the holiday season like a good Catholic.
FR. KLEM: (laughs) Impossible. There are no good Catholics.
FR. BEN: Many of you are probably already aware, but for those who aren’t, the origin of Halloween is actually rooted in Catholicism and the All Souls Day celebration.
FR. KLEM: In fact, the word hallow means saint or holy.
[SFX: Clara runs in holding linens and a thurible.]
CLARA: Fathers!
[SFX: The camera boops as Steve pauses the video.]
[MUSIC: The song ends.]
STEVE: Cut! This better be an emergency.
CLARA: It is an emergency. A youth emergency.
FR. BEN: What did you do?
CLARA: Everything I could. And somehow that’s still not enough. For years we’ve managed to give the youths of this Parish a safe, scary, and holy place to be on Halloween.. but the party is in two days and there’s—
FR. BEN: I know you've been worried, Clara, but everything will be fine.
CLARA: Do not underestimate them, Father. Kids today aren’t impressed by transubstantiation and Sweet Tarts. They like Tik-Tok and smashing pumpkins.
FR. BEN: The band? (beat) You know I read Billy Corgan has some interesting views on the intersection between Catholicism and Buddhism—
CLARA: Oh no, the activity. And if we’re not careful our pumpkins will be next. The current Halloween decor can be, at best, described as, um, Autumn Harvest Hayride. That’s not gonna cut it.
[MUSIC: Doomy drums and string hits underscore the Clara’s next few lines.]
CLARA: We need shock. We need awe. We need… better decorations. I’ve searched every inch of St. Patrick’s and the only useful things I can find are a few Thuribles and an adult-sized Baby Jesus costume for you to change into.
FR. BEN: That won’t be necessary, Clara. I already have my costume. I’m going to be Dracula. (impression) I want to save your souls. Muahahaha.
CLARA: That’s great, Father, but right now the only thing that scares me is the thought of this Parish’s Yelp rating falling below a four.
FR. BEN: People leave ratings on churches?
CLARA: Ho ho ho ho oh, not just ratings. They also leave reviews…
[MUSIC: The bouncy, foreboding strings from the beginning start playing again.]
CLARA: Listen to this review of our beloved St. Patrick’s… and I quote – This is a church for old people. - end quote.
FR. BEN: That’s actually a common problem for many churches and I happen to think that—
CLARA: Yeah, uh-huh. Mass is too long. One Star. — Mass is too short. One Star. — They’ve got CrossFit Jesus up on the crucifix looking as sexy as ever. How am I supposed to worship in a place like that… That’s actually my review and I need to update that, and that’s a note for me. Moving on. — Wanted to love this place, but the ushers were pushy and demanding—
STEVE: Let me see that.
[SFX: Steve grabs Clara’s phone, crossing the room.]
STEVE: (mumbling) Lies, lies…
FR. KLEM: If you go searching for bad feelings you’ll always find them.
FR. BEN: Klem’s right. We shouldn’t focus on the negative stuff.
[MUSIC: The song ends as Steve begins to read the review.]
STEVE: Here's a positive one... no.. wait.. never mind... it's just really passive-aggressive and sarcastic. Scrolling. Scrolling. Scroll… oh here we go — What a lovely little Parish. My family decided to attend a mass here and we were treated to an incredible bell-ringing medley of "Come, All ye faithful" and “Come Original.” I guess it’s true what they say, Nothing as sure as hearing the beautiful Martin bells in St. Patrick’s. Five Stars.
FR. BEN: I’m sure there are plenty more where that came from.
STEVE: There’s seven of them.
FR. BEN: Only seven?
STEVE: Only seven good ones.
CLARA: Yeah, well, uh, we cannot fall below a four-point O. A three-point anything and we might as well be Lutherans!
FR. BEN: Clara…
CLARA: Father… One epic Youth Group Halloween Celebration could be just the thing to get us back up to a four-point three where we belong. And as the leader of this Parish it's your job to scare the hell out of these kids.
FR. BEN: No one’s expecting that much from a Catholic Halloween party.
CLARA: On the contrary, Father… ‘Celebration’ is actually the second most frequently occurring word or phrase mentioned in our five-star reviews.
FR. BEN: What’s first?
CLARA: Hah, uh, it's Jesus, Father. Of course, it's Jesus. Want to know the most frequently occurring word or phrase mentioned in our one-star reviews?
FR. BEN: I don't think I do.
CLARA: It’s Father Ben.
FR. BEN: That's not true.
CLARA: You're right. It's young priest, but for the record, I disagree with the reviewer who called your sermons too preachy.
FR. BEN: Too preachy?
[MUSIC: The strings return, alongside booming horns.]
CLARA: We need to stay focused. Our successful celebration streak and by extension our Yelp rating and by extension our entire livelihoods are in jeopardy because two members of our parish have vanished without a trace…
FR. BEN: What?!
CLARA: Well, maybe not vanished, but they did flake on me and stop returning my calls.
[MUSIC: The strings end and we’re treated instead with a chilling undercurrent of a single sustained note.]
FR. BEN: (worried) Who?
CLARA: Janet and Gordon, the Cookie Couple. They run that cute little place downtown with the turquoise awning, “Too Many Cookies.” Those two have had a stranglehold on every single St. Patricks celebration since 2016… Then this year… they ghost us. No warning… no message to let me know where the Halloween decorations are stored. Nothing.
STEVE: (superior) …you don’t know?
CLARA: Know what? If there’s something strange going on in this neighborhood I think I should be the first one called.
STEVE: Well, supposedly… the Cookie Couple had a huge argument last Friday, and Gordon—
[SFX: GORDON enters.]
GORDON: —is right behind you.
[SFX: Thunder.]
CLARA: Hey!
FR. BEN: Gordon! Welcome…
GORDON: Would anyone like a cookie?
[SFX: We hear the sound of a crunching cookie.]
GORDON: I brought a whole box… some might even say ‘too many.’ Get it. Because we’re ‘Too Many Cookies.’ [awkward silence] I figured someone might be in here setting up for the Halloween party.
CLARA: We are… and St. Patrick’s is looking frightening… and unholy and possibly even blasphemous. No thanks to you.
GORDON: Sorry about the decorations. I was actually looking for you, Father Ben. I was hoping we might be able to have a quick chat.
FR. BEN: Yeah, yeah… absolutely. Here, Clara, can you—?
CLARA: Take these cookies? Yes.
[SFX: Clara grabs the box. Steve approaches and snatches it from her.]
STEVE: As a member of ‘St. Patricks Seating and Security’ I should inspect any food that comes into this place.
CLARA: Hey give those back, those are my cookies!
[SFX: Steve opens the box.]
STEVE: They’re not individually wrapped.
FR. KLEM: That’s a Halloween no-no.
STEVE: That's right, Klem. That is a Halloween no-no. Unsealed treats could possibly be laced with any number of illicit substances. LSD, Marijuana, Laxatives…
CLARA: Laxatives!? No one at St. Patrick’s would ever--
STEVE: You can never be too safe.
FR. KLEM: Ghost-shaped Snickerdoodles. Black cat sugar cookies.
STEVE: Halloween shapes with Christmas flavors… not really on theme.
CLARA: There’s something to be said about subverting flavor expectations to stand out in a crowd.
FR. KLEM: Ehhh, a cookie is a cookie is a cookie. No such thing as a bad cookie. This gingerbread man (chuckles) has no head. He is still a good cookie.
GORDON: Sorry, Father Klem. I should’ve brought some healthier options. Janet makes a delightful Yogurt Bark. It’s all-natural and vegan and-
FR. KLEM: Yeah, yeah, next time bring that. This time I’ll eat the cookies.
FR. BEN: Ready when you are, Gordon.
[SFX: The bouncy music begins and transitions us into the confessional.]
FR. KLEM: A little cookie like this doesn’t count. Too small.
CONFESSIONAL
[SFX: The confession doors open and Gordon and Fr. Ben sit.]
GORDON: In the name of the Son, the Father… and— sorry…
FR. BEN: In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. — It's okay…
GORDON: (nervous) I’ll just start over. Start a fresh batch. That's what I always say. In the name of the Father, Son, and the Holy Spirit. Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It has been… six months since my last confession.
FR. BEN: I’m glad you came in today. What would you like to confess?
GORDON: First, I just want to apologize for putting a strain on the Halloween party. I know we… me and Janet… we usually handle the holiday parties…
FR. BEN: It's okay. We’re more than capable. Clara stepped in and trust me when I say, St. Patrick’s is looking more terrifying by the second. Anything else on your mind?
GORDON: I’m not sure where to start. I mean… obviously I came here to talk to you about.... well, uh... I guess I should ask you what you've already heard.
FR. BEN: To be honest, yes, I have heard a few accounts of what happened, but—
GORDON: (vindicated) I knew it. I knew people would already be telling their little stories about us…
FR. BEN:—but if we’re going to unravel this knot then we’ll need to focus on what happened and what you feel led you to doing whatever it was that you did… You can't control how anyone else will react or what they’ll think.
GORDON: But that's just it, Father! As much as I hate to admit it... it does matter to me what people think of me. It's not easy being in the public eye. Being judged for every single thing you do.
FR. BEN: Heh, I know what you mean.
GORDON: The pressure to be so perfect all the time… I can’t take it. I mean, I hear you phoning it in during Mass sometimes and I’d like to be able to do that, but I can’t.
FR. BEN: (trying to ignore that…) Okay, well…
GORDON: Sorry, Father. I know you’re up there doing your best. It’s just… in the cookie game, one bad batch of Ginger Snaps can snap your good name in two. My good name… (sigh) …so much for that.
FR. BEN: If what I've heard is true... while it may be embarrassing, I don't think it’s enough to ruin your name.
GORDON: I’m not some unhinged guy with a vendetta against Halloween... that’s not what this is about.
FR. BEN: What would you say this is about?
GORDON: Cookies. It's always about cookies. Opening a Cookie Shop was something Janet and I always joked about until eventually the jokes became serious and in 2015, against all of our better judgment, we opened the doors to Too Many Cookies. I couldn’t give Janet a child so I tried to give her everything else in life she wanted. Starting with the keys to that little downtown bakery.
FR. BEN: Have you two explored other options? With expanding your family I mean.
GORDON: Yeah, sure, we've explored plenty of options. And failed. And waited. And failed. And waited and— you get it— We were tired of always putting everything on hold until 'real life’ started, so we took a chance and tried to start our real life in another way. Because of that I think we both put a lot of pressure on the store to be our everything. The happy ending for all the hard work we’d put in. A justification for all the previous failures… But then the cookies took over. They were all we ever talked about. And on some days it felt like they were the only catalyst capable of making us feel anything at all. Good or bad.
FR. BEN: Our passions can consume us and cause us to forget about what's important. It’s a challenge, for sure, but you're not alone in that experience or those feelings.
GORDON: I thought I could fill my void by putting myself into those cookies. And when the cookies weren't enough, Janet tried to fill her void by becoming a pillar in the church. Started volunteering for every event on the church calendar…
FR. BEN: I can't speak for everyone, and I haven’t been here for a lot of them, but I do really appreciate the effort you and Janet put into making our Holiday celebrations feel special.
GORDON: Honestly, some days I wish we'd never done any of it. We’d both spent so much of the past few years trying to make each other happy that we never stopped to realize when we weren’t. We were emptying ourselves out to be there for each other when all either of us really wanted was to sit together and laugh and share a few treats.
FR. BEN: Have you told Janet how you feel?
GORDON: Unfortunately, yes… I always said how I felt. That was my problem. I’d complain and vent until it was all out. Janet, on the other hand, would keep it all inside and wouldn’t say anything except...
JANET: (flashback) I'm fine. It's fine.
GORDON: I had no idea how much negativity had been building up... staying hidden behind the words -It's fine. I'm fine.
[SFX: We hear the clacking of keyboards, before a computer chair rolls across a floor, and Gordon walks to the closet and begins to open it.]
[MUSIC: Melancholy, chilling strings and synths underscore Gordon’s memory.]
GORDON: Everything came to a head last Friday night… I was typing up a recipe blog post when I noticed a little plastic hand sticking out from under my closet door. A place where a little plastic hand definitely should not be… I gave the door handle the most gentle of twists… and the closet just burst open with a flood of plastic bones.
[SFX: Avalanche of JUNK.]
GORDON: My closet... the place where I kept my old notebooks and board games... my sanctuary of sentimental nostalgia was now filled with Janet's halloween decorations.
FR. BEN: Have you asked her to keep them somewhere else?
GORDON: You're not listening, Father... She moved her skeletons into my closet. I don't have space for all that... I barely have space for all the stuff I'm trying to hold onto. I mean I get it, who doesn't love a good Halloween decoration? But there were so many skeletons in there! Way more than I expected. (beat) Next thing I know, she walks in, sees me holding the skeleton and starts trying to yank it out of my hands. She says to drop it to–
[SFX: Gordon pulls piles of plastic out of the closet, as Janet runs into the room, and the two have a skeleton Tug-of-war.]
JANET: Just let it go!
GORDON: No, you let it go.
JANET: You never let things go.
GORDON: Why are there so many of them?
JANET: They’re for The Annual St. Patrick’s Youth Group Halloween Party. You know that. Don’t act like you don’t know that.
GORDON: No one needs this many skeletons!
JANET: This is just like the Donut Festival…
[SFX: Tug-of-War stops.]
GORDON: (overly dramatic) Don’t. We promised we’d never say those words in that combination ever again...
JANET: Dough-Nut. Festival.
FR. BEN: What happened at the Donut Festival?
GORDON: (defensive) Nothing. From what I heard everyone had a good time and went home safely.
FR. BEN: Okay... we don't have to get into whatever that is yet.
GORDON: Fine by me. So after Janet said those two terrible words... I just lost it. Started pulling everything out of the closet... fake tombstones, black cat statues, little wicker witches on brooms…
[SFX: Gordon crosses back to the closet and pulls more junk out of the closet, dropping it on the floor.]
GORDON: (flashback) How was I supposed to know you were so unhappy? You’ve been telling me you were ‘just fine’ for the past seven years and now all of a sudden-
JANET: This wasn't all of a sudden. I tried to talk to you.
GORDON: When!?
JANET: I said we should start going out more.
GORDON: We have been going out more!
JANET: Oh, Gordon, the Ruby Thursdays does not count and you know that.
GORDON: Why not?
JANET: Because it's just... it's not really anything, is it?
GORDON: Real! You want to talk about what's real and what's fake?
GORDON: (in the confessional) She said she'd been unhappy for years and the attention she received for being "The Cookie Lady" was the only thing keeping her going.
FR. BEN: What happened next?
GORDON: Well... then... I went outside and turned on the Woodchipper.
[MUSIC: There are two menacing notes on a piano.]
[SFX: We hear the chirping of crickets, and then the tug of a woodchipper starting.]
GORDON: You know she names the Skeletons? How weird is that?
GORDON: (flashback) What’s this one’s name? Is this Michael?
JANET: No. That's Tim.
GORDON: It doesn't matter what his name is!
[SFX: Skeleton into the woodchipper.]
GORDON: And Tim goes face-first into the woodchipper.
GORDON: Is this what you want?
JANET: I just want you to love me again.
GORDON: What are you talking about? I do love you. I've always loved you.
JANET: No. You love your cookies.
GORDON: Are you kidding me? I hate making cookies now. I'm only doing this for you.
JANET: What!? No! I've been doing all this for you.
GORDON: You do it for the church!
JANET: I’m not even Catholic, Gordon! I'm Baptist. I'm trying to be a part of St. Patrick's because I thought that's what you wanted!
GORDON: (softens) What?
GORDON: (back in the confessional) Then… out of nowhere… Janet started destroying decorations too.
[SFX: Destroying Holiday decorations. Things are chipped. Glass shatters. Gordon grunts as he throws them in. The woodchipper is on overdrive.]
GORDON: No holiday was safe. Paper mache hearts. Easter Bunny Costumes. Turkey Hands. Enough Wisemen and barn animals to cast at least five separate nativity scenes. A vintage Buffalo Bills legend Jim Kelly Bobble Head Christmas Tree Ornament. A Bruce Smith Elf on a Shelf. And more tiny American Flags than you've probably ever seen in your entire life. All of this... forgive my language, but all this bullshit she'd been amassing… everything she'd kept hidden from me... that night we opened the garage and pulled it all out onto the yard.
GORDON: (flashback) Why do we need... one-two-three-four... twelve... twelve inflatable Santas!?
JANET: One Santa for each of the twelve days of Christmas, Gordon!
[SFX: Janet kicks a skeleton on the ground.]
GORDON: Janet was stomping on some plastic ghosts and I was woodchippering another skeleton, shouting, ‘Get some!’…. when I saw them standing there… gawking at us.
[MUSIC: Synths play as the rest of the sound drowns out.]
FR. BEN: Who?
GORDON: Tom and Emily. They were across the street with their perfect lives and their perfect pig… Staring at us. Whispering and pointing...
FR. BEN: Believe me when I say that the Steadmans have enough skeletons of their own to worry about.
GORDON: That’s good to hear. Well not good… but you get what I’m saying…
FR. BEN: Yeah, I get it.
[SFX: The sound of the woodchipper and crickets returns.]
GORDON: It's funny ya know. There was a moment, in the midst of all the chaos, when Janet and I both went to jam a reindeer in the woodchopper at the same time. She was holding Donner... tears streaming down her face... I was holding Blitzen… my heart still pounding... We made eye contact and just cracked.
[SFX: Gordon and Janet laugh. Eventually, police sirens can be heard in the distance.]
GORDON: The absurdity of everything hit us and we both laughed. Like full-on belly laughs. Next thing I knew the sirens were approaching and the adrenaline was wearing off.
FR. BEN: Now that you've laid it all out there it doesn't seem so bad does it? (sarcasm) As long as you're not hiding anything else--
GORDON: (confession burst) I am hiding something else. Something terrible. People call me the Cookie Man, but I’m not… I’m a Cookie Monster!
FR. BEN: What? No. No, you're not a monster.
GORDON: Yes, I am. It’s true… and Janet's a Cookie Monster too. We’ve been keeping a secret… a deep dark secret.
FR. BEN: That’s why I'm here, right?
GORDON: We killed a man.
FR. BEN: Wait, what?
GORDON: Well… we almost killed a man.
FR. BEN: Who?
[MUSIC: The bouncy, playful strings return, transitioning us away from the confessional.]
FR. KLEM: No shoving candy wrappers in the pews. Pew-Pew. Pew-Pew-Pew. Get it. Because I’m a Cowboy.
CLARA: Cut! I thought you were a football player.
STEVE: (frustrated) I'm the director, only I get to say cut. Cut! He’s Roger Staubach. Roger the Dodger. The Hail Mary. Hall of Fame Quarterback of the Dallas--nevermind-- I don’t have to explain my deeply layered costuming decisions to you or to anyone else for that matter.
CLARA: Guess what I'm dressing up as this year.
STEVE: No.
CLARA: Quasimodo. You know, the Hunchback of Notre Dame because he…—
STEVE: Because you ring the bells. Yeah, we get it.
CLARA: Yeah, yes…
STEVE: Alright Klem, let's take it from the top... and five, four, three…
FR. KLEM: Hey ‘der cool kids it’s Father Klem back with a few Oh Boys and Oh No-No’s to—
[SFX: We hear the camera beep as Steve stops it again.]
STEVE: Cut! Oh boys and oh no-no’s? It's Do’s and Don'ts. No ad-libbing. Stick to the script.
FR. KLEM: I’ll stick with my thing.
STEVE: I can have you recast in a heartbeat.
FR. KLEM: With who? Benny? Clara? [No response.] That’s what I thought. Come on. Hit the button. Let’s do this.
[MUSIC: A foreboding piano note brings us back to the confession.]
GORDON: This all started when Too Many Cookies managed to land a booth at the Donut Festival. And I know what you're thinking... yes... that Donut Festival. (beat) Just so you have proper context… Do you know how hard it is to get a cookie booth at a Donut Festival?
FR. BEN: Can't say that I do.
GORDON: It's harder than getting a Spaghetti Booth at a Chili Festival. So...yeah... the pressure was on…. Cherry Almond Coconut Macaroons, Pecan Tassies, Unicorn Cakes, Triple Dog Dare Chocolate Chip, and of course our world-famous Midnight Striped Fudge Sandwich Cookie. Too Many Cookies indeed.
[SFX: We hear the sound of a crowd outside.]
GORDON: (overwhelmed) I’m starting to think we brought way too many cookies.
JANET: Well, whose fault is that, Gordon?
GORDON: (argumentative) I asked you to pick three flavors... Three. What do you do? You picked five.
JANET: Just choose the three cookie flavors you like best from my five then.
[MUSIC: Chilling strings and synths undercut Gordon’s memory.]
GORDON: We drastically overestimated the overlap between cookie fans and donut fans, and by two in the afternoon we’d barely sold anything. The truth is, we were set up to fail. They wanted Too Many Cookies to be an example to any future non-fried bread vendors who dared to peddle their treats at the Donut Festival. The festival committee knew what they were doing when they put us next to Donut Holes, the combination Miniature Golf Course slash donut emporium from Ellicottville. How were we supposed to compete with a loop-de-loop on a portable putting green? Make no mistake about it, we were crumbling. But then…. up walked Father Klem.
FR. KLEM: Gordon! Janet! I hope you brought Too Many Cookies.
JANET: You know we did, Father.
[MUSIC: Melancholy piano underscores the next story.]
[SFX: Fr. Klem eats cookies without stopping.]
GORDON: (back in the confessional) What happened to Father Klem that day... the whole reason you’re here… that was our fault. We knew he shouldn’t be eating that many cookies. No one should. But when Klem is at your booth, other folks tend to gather.... so we used him for our own gain and kept him around for as long as we could. (beat) He was with us right up until they called him over for the Donut Eating Competition.
[MUSIC: Stops abruptly.]
FR. BEN: (laughs) Sorry, I don't mean to— it's just... you and Janet aren't really blaming yourselves for Klem’s heart attack, right?
GORDON: It was our fault.
FR. BEN: It was the cumulative result of years of poor decisions he made about his health. One afternoon of Too Many Cookies isn't what put Klem in the hospital. Is that why you've withdrawn from the church? Janet has been around here every week, but—
GORDON: –yes… yes…that’s probably true. It’s hard to see him. Knowing what we did. I feel so guilty.
[MUSIC: Uplifting piano, drums, bass, and guitar play underneath Fr. Ben’s advice.]
FR. BEN: Sometimes a little bit of guilt or shame can be good because feeling bad about the bad things we do is what keeps us from repeating those behaviors, but hanging onto daily reminders isn’t healthy for anyone. And sometimes when you finally address it head-on… you’ll find that you never really had any reason to feel the shame you felt. Surrounding yourself with guilt, whether it's valid or not, will do nothing but create walls and cause you to disconnect from your communities and support systems when you need them the most.
GORDON: (realization) Like the church.
FR. BEN: Yes, like the church, but also with your marriage to Janet. Even if you disagree with and detest all the skeletons she's moved into your closet, it's your job as her spouse to help her clean them out. Or make room for them. Halloween comes around every year and there will probably be more skeletons in your future, but as long as you two handle them as they come then maybe it won't build up to another woodchipper-level event.
[MUSIC: The song trickles out.]
GORDON: That’s nice, but I don't think there's any coming back from what I did. I mean, me and Janet will be fine, we’ll work through it, but people who know what happened will never look at us the same way again. No more Cute Cookie Couple, now we’ll be the Sad Skeleton Spouses.
FR. BEN: Your legacy isn’t set in stone. Many great figures from the Bible, people we laude as near-perfect examples of humanity.. at one time did terrible things... Do we label Moses a murderer fleeing his crimes? Or was he the man who led his people out of bondage? Is Matthew just a Roman Tax Collector or is he an Apostle?
GORDON: I hope this is supposed to be rhetorical because I do not know the answer to those questions.
FR. BEN: What I mean by that is that as long as you're alive you still have an opportunity to do something else, something good, something better, next.
GORDON: It's so embarrassing.
FR. BEN: I understand why you might feel that way, but you don’t have to be embarrassed. You and Janet are both still welcome at St. Patrick’s. And you absolutely should not feel any guilt whatsoever for what happened to Klem.
GORDON: Heh, yes, now I feel dumb for even bringing it up.
FR. BEN: Well, no. It's good you brought this to me and to the Lord. We work through our transgressions so that we don't isolate ourselves and make further bad decisions. We all need confession. Even priests, even me... So my recommendation for your act of contrition is to go easier on yourself. Focus less on what others think of you. Consider returning to your community - and dare I say it - to the Annual St. Patrick’s Youth Group Halloween Celebration.
GORDON: (laughs) If you’re trying to get me to bring more cookies, Father, you can just ask.
FR. BEN: Whether you come empty-handed or with treats, I’m sure everyone in the congregation will appreciate the contribution you bring.
STEVE: Okay, let's just do a quick lightning round of Catholic Halloween No-No's.
FR. KLEM: Zombie costume. Sure, that’s okay. Why not? (beat) You wanna dress up like a Snake? Ehh.. That’s a big time no-no.
[SFX. Ben and Gordon exit the confession and approach.]
FR. BEN: What'd I miss?
STEVE: Clara thinks she's developing ringer’s wrist.
CLARA: I am! And if I can't ring the bells on Halloween then who’s gonna keep the devil away?
FR. KLEM: Gordy, wonderful job on the snickerdoodles.
GORDON: Thanks, Father Klem. Means a lot to hear you liked them.
FR. KLEM: (laughs) Anytime.
STEVE: Father Ben, if I could get you to finish up with the Questions & Complaints section, I should have enough to start editing the video.
FR. BEN: All right. Count me down, Steve...
STEVE: Five, four, three...
[SFX: The camera beeps on one final time.]
FR. BEN: Last week we were discussing the use of emojis in text-based worship and some of you wanted to know if there was any moral difference between the hands up in praise emoji and the clasped hands in prayer emoji and whether or not either of them could be used alongside the fire emoji...
[MUSIC: The end credits music starts to play.]
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written by Jeremy Ellett with story-editing by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Jack Marone Steve
Josh Rubino Fr. Klem
Casey Callaghan Fr. Ben
Krystal Osborne Clara
Zane Schact Gordon
Lauren Grace Thompson Janet
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by me Adam Raymonda.
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
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No matter what, thanks for listening. We'll be back next month for one last special of the year. A Thanksgiving Special. See you then... bye!
[MUSIC: The credits music comes to a crescendo as Adam sings, “Ohh won’t you forgive me?”]
JACK MARONE: Jack Marone… Boopity doopity do.
JEREMY ELLETT: And then maybe one more fun one with a question mark. Jeremy Ellet?