Episode transcript - “FORGIVE THE VANISHING ACT”
[SFX: Birds chirping, the sun rising, the world waking up to beautiful serenity…]
NARRATOR: Across the edges of the universe, past the flaming beauty of Helios and his culturally appropriate nicknames, in between the void of space and time, Lilith Von Hitzler was having a bad day.
[SFX: Immediate smash cut to inside The Vanishing Box. Alarms going off, gadgets breaking down, gizmos falling apart, motherboards short-circuiting.]
LILITH: Ok, ok, ok, ok. This is not the end of the world, Lilith. Just remain calm and -
DEVORAH: (“We’re gonna die!!!!) Quack!!!!
LILITH: Devorah, not helping! Maybe a little less quacking and a little more helping!
DEVORAH: (“What the fuck do you want me to do. I don’t have any thumbs.”) Quack! Quack!
LILITH: Dammit Lilith, she’s a duck. She can only do so much.
DEVORAH: (“Ok, asshole”) Quack.
[SFX: A higher triggered alarm goes off.]
LILITH: What alarm is that even for?! Ok, Lilith, think. You built this box, you know exactly where you’d put the…
[SFX: LILITH: hits a button and a lockbox opens up.]
LILITH: Hairpins. You beautiful, annoying necessities. Devorah quick, catch that wire in your bill. The hairpin will act as a conductor allowing the electricity to flow back into the switchboard.
DEVORAH: (“You want me to catch a stray wire in my mouth?”) Quack?
LILITH: Just hand me the wire!
DEVORAH: (“Alright, but you’re crazy for this one, Lil.”) Quack quack.
[SFX: The sound of Lilith and Devorah repairing the ship fades a bit as the Narrator comes back.]
NARRATOR: But fate, or the “The Universe” as Lilith had learned the agnostic 21st-century teens liked to say, has a funny way of putting you exactly where you need to be.
LILITH: Alright Devorah, brace for landing! Hold onto something!
DEVORAH: (“What am I supposed to hold onto? Why didn’t you install seatbelts in this bitch?”) Quack!!
LILITH: Who even uses seatbelts anymore.
(For reference: cowards, she means cowards)
[SFX: The Vanishing Box picks up speed and accelerates toward its destination.]
NARRATOR: And isn’t it funny, how the place the Universe needs you to be, is the last place in the world you’d ever want to go…
LILITH: Hang on!!!
DEVORAH: (“Oh god!!!!”) QUACK!!!!
[SFX: A crash. The Vanishing Box lands, rather roughly, on a patch of land. The alarms quiet down a bit.]
LILITH: Devorah? Are you alive?
DEVORAH: (“I guess so. Whether I’m happy about that remains to be seen.”) Quack…
LILITH: Excellent. Chalk that up as a win. I hate to give you credit, but goddammit, Hairpins ya did it again. Now… to figure out where exactly we -
[SFX: The box falls apart around them. If this were a visual, it would be like when the house falls around Buster Keaton.]
LILITH: Or… perhaps we need to fix the Vanishing Box, and by extension, figure out exactly where we are. Sound good?
DEVORAH: (“What if I said ‘no’?”) Quack.
LILITH: Ok. see, look. A rustic little building I’m sure we’ll be able to find what we need to repair the box in the…. St. Patrick’s. A church? Oh christ… Well, at least they’ll have wood…
NARRATOR: Welcome to a crossover episode. We’re not above it. Cheers.
[SFX: A whoosh away from the scene.]
[MUSIC: The Vanishing Act theme song plays on a keyboard.]
[SFX: Another whoosh back to the narrator.]
NARRATOR: It was at that same moment, the two occupants of the church heard something that to their ear sounded like a horrible crash of some sort–two well-seasoned and marinated men of the cloth, Father Klem & Father Ben.
[SFX: Fr. Ben and Fr. Klem are playing chess.]
FR. KLEM: Ok, I’m going Knight to G3. Here we go.
FR. BEN: Klem, you can’t move to G3, you have a bishop there already.
FR. KLEM: If you were paying attention when I set up the board you’d know my bishop is on G6. From what I can see G3 is an open stable and my knight is checking in for soup and schnitzel. Also Check.
FR. BEN: Wait… how do you… what the-
[SFX: The sound of the Vanishing Box crashing outside.]
FR. KLEM: Hey…
FR. BEN: No, Klem, did you hear that? It sounded like a crash.
NARRATOR: It was.
FR. KLEM: Unless I see it right in front of my face I don’t acknowledge any noises, so as I was saying, Check.
FR. BEN: That doesn’t make any sense, then how do you take Confession? - Nevermind. We should go look.
FR. KLEM: Ugh, fine. But don’t think I don’t know what game you're playing at, sonny. You’re still in Check.
NARRATOR: And much to their surprise and awe, upon opening the doors to the church, Father’s Ben and Klem stumbled upon a sight that in no way would’ve been in their top 3 most expected sights to see today: a frazzled woman trying desperately to apply a fire blanket to the exposed flames of a large box and a duck, feverishly flapping its waterfowl wings also trying to extinguish the fire.
[SFX: They open the door and walk outside, and we hear the sound of the fire and Lilith and Devorah trying to put it out.]
FR. KLEM: Gott im Himmel! I’ll get the bucket!
FR. BEN: The extinguisher is right next to the -
[SFX: FR. KLEM: runs inside.]
FR. BEN: Door. (re-directing to Lilith) Hello! Hello! Are you ok?
LILITH: (in the distance) Oh no, no, no!
DEVORAH: (In the distance: “Lilith, fire. Move it!”) Quack!
FR. BEN: Are you alright?
LILITH: (Not acknowledging FR. BEN:) Oh come on! Goddammit!
FR. BEN: Whoa. Excuse me… uh, I’m not trained in fire safety, but I think the safest move would be to get away from the -
[SFX: The doors to the church burst open, Father Fr. Klem comes rushing out with buckets of water sloshing about.]
FR. KLEM: Water! Water! Back away before I -
[SFX: He tosses the buckets on the box, extinguishing the flames. He gets some on Devorah in the process, she freaks out.]
FR. KLEM: Yeah, no more fires, see? Could your silly extinguisher do that?
FR. BEN: I mean…
FR. KLEM: Oh, seems I got a little wet on you. Sorry to your bird.
DEVORAH: (“Back off, old man. I have seen some shit.”) Quack!
FR. BEN: Are you two ok?
LILITH: Wet, but alive, so I’d say that evens out to ok. Oh god, look at the structural damage! Augie’s gonna - No, Lilith, no one is more disappointed in this than yourself, don’t give them that.
FR. BEN: I see you, uhh… had quite an accident. Luckily no one was hurt. Unless - there’s no one inside that thing is there?
LILITH: You. Both of you. I have some very important questions I need answered, and answered quickly, in the exact order that I ask them, capisce?
FR. BEN: Uhh… sure -
LILITH: Who are you? Where am I? What year is it? What do you want with the box? And do you have any spare wood?
FR. KLEM: Is she serious?
LILITH: Hey! I’m the one asking the questions here so… answer them.
FR. BEN: Of course, I’m Father Ben and this is Father Klem. We’re both the head pastors here at St Patrick’s where we are currently in the front yard. The year is… oh wow, 2022. Ya know I still keep writing 2015 on everything. I’m not sure why, wasn’t that special of a year. Uh, now you said your name was Lilith -
LILITH: Yes, Lilith Von Hitzler’s the name. Lilith Von Hitzler.
FR. KLEM: (to Fr. Ben) Yikes. That is unfortunate.
LILITH: Keep answering!
FR. BEN: Right, we don’t have any reason to… want your box, although it’s a perfectly nice box. Anyone would be lucky to have that… box. And as for spare wood, we’re a church so… in addition to the gracious donations for clothes, food, and toys we receive from our parishioners, we also have some who think that we’re a lumber yard so, yes. We have wood!
LILITH: Good. We need wood. Wood is good. Ok, if you wouldn’t mind just bringing out some of your larger pieces, any stable 2X4s, 1X4s, Oblong shapes, acute angles that’d be great. I can pay you, but I need to fix the box first.
FR. BEN: Oh you don’t need to pay us, like I said, we’re a church.
LILITH: Sure, fine, “donation,” yippee. Now, can we get this wood coming? Chop Chop.
FR. KLEM: A please and a thank you go pretty far, ya know.
LILITH: That accent. Where are you from?
FR. KLEM: I find in the States it’s best not to confuse people with specifics, so I just say Germany. You too, I assume?
LILITH: How’d you guess?
FR. KLEM: Please. I could sniff out that very prominent French-German dialect a kilometer away. It’s nice to meet someone else from the old country.
LILITH: (sizing him up) Uh-huh…
FR. KLEM: Here, why don’t you two whipper-snappers go inside and break out the juice and cookies, I’ll fix up this uhh… box here and, uh -
LILITH: Nuh-uh. No can do, “sir”. That trick was tried on us once before when we were visiting The Non-Renewable Eco-Warriors of the Pacific Northwest. Wherever this box goes, we go.
FR. KLEM: Suit yourself, but it’s a small workshop.
FR. BEN: No one’s a better handyman than Klem here.
FR. KLEM: And to think, I got into this business for the preachin’, but now I just do the fixin’.
FR. BEN: Well, Jesus was a carpenter.
LILITH: So what does that make you, a method actor?
FR. BEN: You’re a very distrustful person, aren’t you?
LILITH: (distrustfully) Why, who told you, what do you know?
FR. BEN: Ok, wow. Um, how about this. How about Klem fixes this… box you care very deeply about, for some reason, and you and I can head inside and get some juice and cookies to bring out to him. That way you can check in on the progress, and Klem can have the room he needs in his workshop for the repairs.
(Beat)
LILITH: Fine, but Devorah goes with him.
DEVORAH: (“The fuck?!”) Quack!
FR. KLEM: Oh, oh, this little guy’s got a name? I just assumed she came out of the pond to cause a ruckus.
LILITH: No, she’s with me. And if you try any funny business or even just take a wrong measurement, she will know and she will not be happy. And you wouldn’t like her when she’s not happy.
FR. KLEM: Aww, she gets angry, I bet that’s adorable. Ok, come on Devorah the duckling, we got a lot of fixin’ to do.
DEVORAH: (“Ok… but this better not take long”) Quack…
FR. KLEM: (Leading off) You know I used to have a pet duck when I was a boy!
DEVORAH: (“Oh really…”) Quack…
FR. KLEM: (Further off) Well, not really a pet, we let him come and go as he wanted…
DEVORAH: (“Ok, that’s pretty cool.”) Quack!
[SFX: FR. KLEM: and DEVORAH: have left.]
FR. BEN: So… cookies?
[MUSIC: Bouncy, staccato strings play underneath the Narrator here. Eventually, more instruments come in and drive it the story further still.]
NARRATOR: It’s at this point I’m sure you’re asking yourself several questions. For those familiar with Fathers Ben & Klem, who is this Lilith person? Why was she in the cold open? She’s talking back to the duck, but can she actually understand it? Doesn’t it feel like she just dropped out of the sky from her own fully-fleshed out world with characters we haven’t met and points of view we’re unsure of yet? And for those familiar with Lilith Von Hitzler, Devorah the Duck, and the now in repair Vanishing Box, who are these two from the church? What was Lilith doing traveling without the other members of her party? Wasn’t she supposed to be an adjunct teacher at a school for secretly Jewish Orphans in the 1940s? Is this a crossover where we don’t have home field advantage? Narrator, are you ok after your public Season One breakdown? The answer to all of which is… yes. Except for the last one whose answer is, I’ve renegotiated my contract and I’m getting over it. But for more specifics about why these two are together, here, and now, let’s just listen in, shall we?
[SFX: As the song ends, we hear the creaking of a cabinet and the crinkling of a bag of cookies.]
FR. BEN: Perfect, and if you wouldn’t mind passing me the fudge stripes, they’re the - yep, with the chocolate drizzle on top - and the Uh-Oh Oreos. They’re not the actual brand because we’re not allowed to have national sponsorship deals, so these are just the store brand, but we all know they’re Uh-Oh Oreos, right?
[Beat. Lilith doesn’t move.]
FR. BEN: Right. I think I know what this is about
LILITH: Oh, you do?
FR. BEN: Well, it’s my job to listen and sometimes people can speak without words, even though speaking “with words” does seem to be the preferred form of communication for most of our parishioners, but for you? I can tell that you’re upset, and trust me, I get it. But Klem can’t do the normal Oreo cream anymore, it upsets his reflux, but he still wants that chocolate and vanilla combo so, Uh-Oh Oreo it is.
LILITH: If you think I’d be this suspect of your whole operation because of a cookie… Then you’d probably be right, which makes me even more suspicious, that said I’m just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
FR. BEN: We found you and your box on fire in the front yard, what on earth could the other shoe be?
LILITH: Your angle. Why you’re helping us. What are you getting out of it?
FR. BEN: Nothing..
LILITH: People are always trying to get something out of literally everything they do. That’s why they do them. Case in Point: me.
FR. BEN: Really? I can definitely think of a few times I’ve found myself doing something and not really knowing why. That’s how we started St. Patricks Movie Nights with Shrek the Third. I’ve never even seen the first two!
LILITH: I don’t know who or what that is.
FR. BEN: Trust me, even after seeing it a few times now, neither do I. But still, something told me to program it… so, I did.
LILITH: Well, let’s just say I’ve been around the block a few times, padre.
FR. BEN: Ok…, I think I see what’s going on here.
LILITH: Aha! He admits it! I knew there couldn’t be a legitimate religious organization that serves Uh-Oh Oreos -
FR. BEN: Did you have a bad experience with the Church?
LILITH: Name the church, I’ll name the experience. Because me and the church go together like stale wafers and fish on fridays.
FR. BEN: Well if the wafers are stale that means they can only be enhanced by the fish, right?
LILITH: Your point being?
FR. BEN: My point being maybe when one ingredient dries out the other can nourish it. Like…fish to wafers…?
LILITH: Is that the best you can do?
FR. BEN: I was backed into a corner. I’m not great with metaphors.
LILITH: One: don’t manipulate my metaphors by making up subpar metaphors, Two: I’ve audited enough classes at Le Cordon Bleu and its previous iteration, Le Cordon Baby Bleu to know that the only stale food that actually enhances anything is a crouton. And there’s not enough oil and garlic in the world to make me believe you’re hocking those little beauties here.
FR. BEN: When’s the last time you gave confession?
[Beat.]
LILITH: I gotta go check on the box. Thanks for the cookie symposium and thinking you know me based on nothing -
[SFX: Lilith makes for the door.]
FR. BEN: Ok, ok, ok, ok let me just - slow my horses down to a canter - eh? Or should I say “neigh”...?
LILITH: What was that supposed to be?
FR. BEN: A pun.
LILITH: And would you go into your sermons with that unconfident a pun?
FR. BEN: Okay, so it’s not an “every Sunday” kind of joke, but I keep trying to make it work. There’s something there, right?
LILITH: I’m not a fan of B material, Klem -
FR. BEN: It’s Ben -
LILITH: Ok -
FR. BEN: He’s Klem. Outside. I’m just… Ben.
LILITH: And that’s another thing - trying to fool every one of your sad, joyless parishioners with your fake, rhyming names.
FR. BEN: Huh! I mean I guess technically it’s a slant rhyme but still, I can’t believe I never caught that before.
LILITH: Ohm I’m sure you didn’t, just like I’m sure you have no ulterior motives with my box and duck companion!
[MUSIC: The same bouncy music returns from before to underscore the Narrator’s speech.]
NARRATOR: Whoa! Ok, I’m just going to come in here and… take the temperature down a bit. Wow. She is just… on one right now, and having narrated her and her… friends - still can’t believe I get to say that - for as long as I have I can tell this isn’t going to end soon. So… pfff… Why don’t we check in on Devorah and Father Klem? I’m sure that combo is also a powder keg waiting to go off. Remember when she ate a man’s eye out of his head? I mean, think about what it would take for a duck to get close enough to your face to, with its bill just… eugh! Nevermind. Sorry, got caught reminiscing and - my god am I really pining for the days where I literally had a nervous breakdown? Oh 2022, you saucy minx.
[MUSIC: Toward the end, it’s underscored with light Forgive Me style percussion and bells, before fading away.]
FR. KLEM: … Which is when I said to the guy, if it’s only “around 4% fat” then why are we calling it “whole milk”! And that’s how I get free milk for life from Jonas’s stand at the farmer’s market.
DEVORAH: (“Is that so…”) Quack…
FR. KLEM: Now, hand me the… 5/8s please.
[SFX: Devorah rummaging through a toolbox and handing him a ratchet.]
DEVORAH: (mouth full - “Here ya go”) Quack!
FR. KLEM: Ay, Devorah I asked for 5/8s not 3/4s, I doubt it’ll even -
[SFX: To his surprise the ratchet works perfectly.]
FR. KLEM: Well… mark my mallard, look at that! You really know your ratchets.
DEVORAH: (“I dabble”) Quack.
[MUSIC: The bouncy string music returns with the strings, bells, and light percussion.]
NARRATOR: Ok… not what I expected but also… oh, yep, ok, right here in my new contract, “Third-Person Omniscience will not be granted upon any character outside of your designated story.” Ugh. Unions. Just when you thought you’ve finally managed to gain full omnipresent perception over everyone and everything they just have to find ways to keep you in the dark. Well… back to Lilith and Ben, I guess?
[SFX: As the song ends, we shift back into the church.]
FR. BEN: …I’m just saying that, yes, while I agree, some churches do get… misguided along the way, I don’t believe they start that way. That isn’t what church is about.
LILITH: So you don’t believe churches form as a way to launder money, impose archaic lifestyles, and spread the gospel through fear and consternation because - now I’ve heard everything.
FR. BEN: No, I - no, that’s not - Even if that’s the case with some churches, I can’t think they all set out to do those things.
LILITH: So you’re defending it?
FR. BEN: I… When a church strays off the path? No, of course not.
LILITH: Uh huh, let the back-peddling commence.
FR. BEN: I’m not back-peddling, I’m just… sorry, words. I’m just saying that it’s unfair to put that sort of sweeping generalization over an entire… thing. Like, they’re not all good or all corrupt. The same way not all pastors are some fire and brimstone, Jonathan Edwards type -
LILITH: God, that guy was a dick -
FR. BEN: Like sometimes… sometimes…I have my… doubts or… insecurities or…
LILITH: Full-fledged guilt over peddling a lie?
FR. BEN: I - no? That’s not it. But a building can only be as strong as the foundation it’s built on, right?
LILITH: Are you asking? Because I do have some architectural thoughts…
FR. BEN: No. I’m not talking about the physical building itself, per se - or even at all - because we’re built on a hill. Great in case of flooding or - never mind - I meant the institution of… ya know um -
LILITH: Organized religion -
FR. BEN: Yes, Organized Religion. Thank you. I’m mainly saying that, yes I see how God’s words or even the power of the church can be twisted to serve… that, but, but I also think it can do some good. In the community, in… The goal is community, right? Not subjugation, or…
LILITH: The amount of surety you're speaking about this with is fascinating.
FR. BEN: I’m not - getting my words out right, It’s… Ok, for instance, like sometimes I get this pit? Like this hard, small, knot, like a baseball-sized knot in my gut when I’m preaching or taking confession or ump-ing for a youth softball game - a knot that just… gets tighter? Ya know? Every time I have to exert some level of authority over… well, anything.
LILITH: Again, because you’re peddling snake oil, but they don’t even get a cool vial out of it.
FR. BEN: No, that’s not it… I think it’s because it’s so personal. Ya know? A person’s relationship to God. A-a person’s relationship to their relationship to God. I just… I don’t ever want to say or do something that would negatively impact that, or - or put things into a perspective that, say, helps my faith, but calls theirs into question.
LILITH: So you don’t have faith in your parishioners? Makes sense, they do go to church.
FR. BEN: No, no, I do, because I think - and I really do think - that they know what they want out of our interactions. Or, they know what they need from the services. And as long as the church allows them that safety to ask those questions and cultivate that relationship, then… well that’s the goal, right?
LILITH: Again, you’re the God Guy here, not me.
FR. BEN: (spiraling a bit) It’s just… I don’t know. Me? Is it me?
LILITH: Could be.
FR. BEN: Oh gosh. That’d just be… I want to give them guidance, to shepherd them to whatever answers they’re seeking, to help - really I do - But then sometimes I hear their problems or I’m taking confession and someone is pouring their heart out to me -
LILITH: First mistake, right there -
FR. BEN: And I want to be able to - to -
LILITH: Shepherd them. Like sheep. You said. -
FR. BEN: And I just feel so out of my depth. Like “Am I really the best person to be weighing in on this issue?”
LILITH: More than likely no, you’re not. Yet you still do, I assume.
FR. BEN: Or even worse, that their problems… just aren’t really that big a deal! And you want to - I want to just look them dead in the eye in the confessional and be like, “It’s not a big deal! Just stop comparing yourself to your co-workers, or cheating on your husband, or stealing from the Walbrowns, or” -
LILITH: Gets a lot spicier in here than I thought.
FR. BEN: Oh yeah. It’s intense.
LILITH: So then why?
FR. BEN: I’m sorry?
LILITH: If you have this much doubt and you apparently possess enough self-awareness to know you probably shouldn’t be weighing in on things you have no experience with, or actively get annoyed with your parishioners, why are you still a priest?
FR. BEN: Honestly? And I know this may sound like a stretch, but -
LILITH: Try me.
FR. BEN: Because… because yes, sure, a lot of the time when I’m delivering a sermon, or taking confession, or overseeing a youth group of kids I know are sneaking out for cigarettes during their bathroom breaks, sometimes something breaks through. It’s not every time, heck it’s not even every other time, but perhaps… 5% of the time a real connection happens. We really hear each other. And that’s enough to keep me going through the next 95% of well-intentioned attempts.
LILITH: The ole “Fake it til you Pray it” routine?
FR. BEN: I’m not sure I’d look at it that cynically, but yes. And you?
LILITH: Me?
FR. BEN: You seem like you’ve got quite a story: the duck, the box, your distrust of Uh-Oh Oreos. Seems like there’s something there. Do you want to talk about it at all?
LILITH: Yeah, no. You seem to be setting me up for a Confession, but I don’t have anything to confess.
FR. BEN: Ya know, a lot of people think that Confession needs to solely be for atonement, but that’s the best part: sometimes you can just talk. Sometimes you may be struggling with something you’re too close to, and it’s good to get some virgin ears on it.
LILITH: That’s another thing, I’m not wild about how much the word “virgin” comes up with you all.
FR. BEN: Yeah, if I’m being honest as soon as I said it I felt kind of weird.
LILITH: Exactly, so sorry not sorry, but there is nothing, nothing at all, you could do or say that would get me in that confessional box.
FR. BEN: Are you sure? Maybe don’t think of it as a ‘god’ thing, and look at it more as a… therapeutic exercise.
LILITH: Or, I can look at it as fabricating a situation where someone can speak anonymously about their problems in a dark, enclosed space where they don’t have to make any eye contact triggers a response in the body that allows them to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with a stranger. That’s science, not magic.
FR. BEN: I mean, sure, as long as they both get you to the same place.
[SFX: The door to the church bursts open, Fr. Klem and Devorah step inside.]
FR. KLEM: Hey, what’s the hold up with the cookies? We’ve been out there for over 2 hours fixing your box and received zero sustenance!
DEVORAH: (“I’m starvin’ here!”) Quack!
FR. BEN: 2 hours?! I’m sorry, Klem. We were just having a great conversation, I must’ve lost track of time. It felt like we’ve only been in here for 15 minutes!
NARRATOR: The magic of storytelling, eh?
LILITH: How’s the box? Is she done? Are the controls still intact? Devorah? He didn’t touch anything, did he?
DEVORAH: (“He had to, he was fixing the box.”) Quack.
FR. KLEM: Everything is still there, just the way you left it, but it’s not on fire anymore and you have sturdy walls again.
LILITH: Oh, thank God.
FR. BEN: (“See?”) Eh?
LILITH: Not now.
FR. KLEM: The only thing that didn’t make it was some sort of ‘weight capacity’ gauge? But it’s 2022, you really shouldn’t have those anymore anyway.
FR. BEN: Wonderful, do you want to go take a look?
FR. KLEM: Yeah, go for it. Me and the duckling have got a lot of juice and cookies to eat.
FR. BEN: Well, shall we?
LILITH: Devorah? Is everything still… in order?
DEVORAH: (“Just go. It’ll be fine”) Quack.
[MUSIC: The bouncy music returns, this time driven by staccato keyboards, percussion, and strings.]
NARRATOR: And so Lilith Von Hitzler and Father Ben went out to the woodshed. And there Lilith was greeted with a sight she wouldn’t have bet money on seeing when she crash landed in front of a church in the year of our lord, 2022: a fully restored, pristine, and very much operational vanishing box.
[SFX: As the last chord rings out, we hear the sound of chirping birds outside the church.]
FR. BEN: Well, what do you think? Good as new?
LILITH: The paneling work, the sanding, the fresh coat of paint is all… genuinely impressive. I’m impressed.
FR. BEN: That’s Klem, for ya. So, I have to ask… what is this thing?
LILITH: Uh-huh.
FR. BEN: I’m sorry?
LILITH: You said, you have to ask, I never said I was going to answer. Keep up, Benjamin.
FR. BEN: Right, sure. It’s just… I mean, I feel like I’ve shared some pretty big secrets and insecurities I’ve had about my position and we did make good on our promise of fixing up your box here, and we did provide snacks. Just seems like the courteous thing to do.
LILITH: Are you ‘guilting’ me into telling you something right now? How ungodly.
FR. BEN: Oh no, guilt’s fair game. We can totally pull that card. If we didn't, how do you think we’d get any volunteer work done?
LILITH: Thus dropeth the other shoe.
FR. BEN: It was worth a shot.
LILITH: I was raised in a Roman Catholic village, I know the drill.
FR. BEN: Wait, you were?
LILITH: Oh yeah. My mother even knew Cardinal Richelieu. Said he was a dick.
FR. BEN: Ha! I’ve heard stories.
LILITH: Did they involve musketeers?
FR. BEN: Ok, so your mother “knew” a 17th-century religious figurehead? Right? And that’s why you don’t trust the church?
LILITH: Ok, you want the truth, here’s the truth: Prepare to have your mind blown. Come on in.
[SFX: She opens the door to the Vanishing Box and steps inside. Fr. Ben follows her, amazed.]
FR. BEN: Oh my G… -
LILITH: Me. Don’t give them credit for what I did.
FR. BEN: How did you… what is this…?
LILITH: This is why I don’t need the church. This is my temple to science, and hard work, and the possibilities of the future. The Vanishing Box.
FR. BEN: (Still walking around) Huh.
LILITH: Huh? That’s it?
FR. BEN: I mean… yeah? I don’t really know what to say. It’s impressive? But… I’ll be honest, I’m not really sure what I’m looking at here.
LILITH: Ok, well. I guess, prepare to have your mind blown again. Because this box here is not only a marvel of storage space but is also a vessel to be able to vanish individuals to any place and any time in history!
FR. BEN: (Stepping one last time) Cool. Can I see?
LILITH: (Running over to him) Wha - pff. No you can’t just… Absolutely not.
FR. BEN: Ok, then why should I take your word for it?
LILITH: Because why would I lie about something that specific?
FR. BEN: It just seems a bit far-fetched is all.
LILITH: A machine that can travel across space and time is the farthest thing from far-fetched. It’s so far out it’s basically fetched!
FR. BEN: Right but… couldn’t you say the same thing about God?
LILITH: No.
FR. BEN: I mean, kinda.
LILITH: Not at all.
FR. BEN: Just a little bit.
LILITH: No, because I never waged a war over the credibility of the Vanishing Box. I never couldn’t sleep with someone over their belief in the Vanishing Box. Hell, I never said someone was going to hell over their faith, or lack thereof, in the Vanishing Box.
FR. BEN: Sure! Sure, that’s a good point - I’m not trying to get you riled up or, or even question it’s -.
LILITH: Yeah, because it's real, it works, you’re literally standing in it right now! I showed up on your lawn, out of nowhere with a duck and this box on fire! The box was on fire - not the duck - you understand! How do you not believe what I’m telling you right now?
FR. BEN: I believe you, I’m just saying I didn’t see anything.
LILITH: Whether or not you saw it, it happened. That’s a fact.
FR. BEN: And just because I didn’t see it doesn’t mean what you’re saying didn’t happen, right?.
LILITH: Oh my God.
FR. BEN: I’m not saying I don’t believe you. I can tell you really believe in this thing, and it seems to be a pretty big deal in your life, so -
LILITH: It is my life.
FR. BEN: Right, like you said, and hey, as long as it’s not hurting anyone then that’s alright with me.
LILITH: Well it isn’t, anymore.
FR. BEN: That’s… good. I guess -
LILITH: Oh God…
FR. BEN: Exactly though, right? I just don’t understand why, in your mind, God or having a positive impact in the church are these overarching impossibilities but a time traveling wooden box isn’t? I just think it’s interesting..
LILITH: Ok. Since you refuse to believe the “one’s real and the other isn’t” argument, I’ll put it like this. Do you know where I came from when I crash landed on your lawn?
FR. BEN: No, I’ve asked you several times but you didn’t tell me, so I decided not to push it.
LILITH: For the last three months, I’ve been on a tour of the world, visiting all of the times and places I dreamed of going when this machine was just the far-off imagination of a student of a university I can’t speak the name of. Every place that I dreamed of in my small, close-minded, quaintly shitty little town in France, that I told myself would be bigger and better and more enlightened than this place I had been stuck with. And you know what I found?
FR. BEN: Not… that?
LILITH: I went back to the Mayan Empire at the apex of its glory on what happened to be the same day a bunch of foreign invaders had the same idea! I visited the Library of Alexandria on the day they were about to make it free to the public then boom, huge fire. In Pompeii, I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say a baby was born on the day Vesuvius went off, but I’m sure someone had just gotten into a pottery club or something. It’s all the same thing… a big build up and then a big let down.
FR. BEN: Ok… I mean, I understand how you can look at it that way, but -
LILITH: There’s no other way to look at it. I just came from a time where people I cared about, some of them literal children, had to actively hide who they were because they could be killed for it. Now honestly, that type of thing, super unfair, but at least consistent. And consistency, now that is something the human race has going for it, which I guess I should objectively find comforting, as a scientist. And I suppose at one time, I would have…
FR. BEN: But now?
LILITH: Now…I don’t know. People aren’t variables, even when you try to make them ones. And…I guess it was easier when I thought what they were going through was unique in history, that it would get better from there. But I guess enlightenment, true enlightenment, is always something that’s strived for, but never attained, and we never really figure it out. So I have a hard time accepting that things are just supposed to happen, as you all like to say, and an especially hard time believing that any institutions that are making people afraid of being themselves are actually trying to help.
[Beat.]
FR. BEN: I… understand.
LILITH: Good. Wait, you do?
FR. BEN: I get it. I didn’t see those things, and may have a hard time believing you did either but I can tell you believe you have., So… I don’t know, if the world tried to hurt people you care about, and you see the world getting ready to hurt other people the same way, and you’re not willing to forgive it for that, I don’t really think it’s my place to say you’re wrong.
[Beat.]
LILITH: So then you agree. The world is and always has just been a giant mountain of trash and roadside fecal getting ready to be lit on fire?
FR. BEN: Is that what you believe?
[Beat. He corrects.]
FR. BEN: Is that what you want to believe?
LILITH: At this moment, I guess it’s easier than inevitably being let down again.
FR. BEN: Then I guess if that gives you comfort…
LILITH: Ha. Not sure I’d call it “comfort” -
FR. BEN: I’m not sure I would either.
LILITH: But… For right now I think… I think this is just kind of where I am.
[Beat.]
LILITH: I don’t think I’ve ever said it before.
FR. BEN: What?
LILITH: That I cared.
FR. BEN: About your friends, or about–
LILITH: Any of it.
FR. BEN: And… do you feel better? Having said it?
LILITH: I… don’t think I feel worse.
FR. BEN: Then that’s something, right?
LILITH: How do you—keep from caring too much? I used to feel like nothing mattered, and then a few things mattered, and now through those few things, all the other things that remind me of those things matter, and now they matter so much that everything matters, which is impossible to process, even for me–and believe me, if anyone could do it, it would be me–and it just feels like it would be so easy to let it all go and circle right around to…letting nothing matter again. But…I think…this time I’d feel bad about it. So… how?
FR. BEN: I… don’t know if I’m the right person to answer that.
[MUSIC: Soothing, contemplative piano music begins to play.]
FR. BEN: But I do think I understand. If you choose not to care, you can live without hope for a long time. But it’s worth looking for, I think - I hope - Even in things you can’t see.
[Beat.]
FR. BEN: Maybe I overstepped–
LILITH: No. You didn’t.
[They sit in the silence.]
LILITH: Shit.
FR. BEN: What?
LILITH: Dark wooden box. No eye contact.
FR. BEN: Oh hey, look at that. Maybe science had a point.
[SFX: As the last chord fades, there’s two quick knocks. The door opens, Fr. Klem and Devorah have returned.]
FR. KLEM: I don’t mean to interrupt, but you’ve been in here for an hour -
FR. BEN: Man, this day is flying by.
FR. KLEM: You’re telling me. Also the duckling here got into the wafers so we need to go into town before the store closes.
LILITH: I should’ve warned you, she has a penchant for foods with a bland crunch.
DEVORAH: (“What can I say?”) Quack.
FR. BEN: Well then, I guess this is goodbye, Miss Von Hitzler. Can we count this as your most recent confession?
LILITH: Or we could just call it a conversation and let that be enough.
FR. BEN: That’s a… alright. Then thank you for this conversation. It’s been illuminating.
LILITH: It has certainly made me realize some things. Alright well… Ben, Klem, thank you for the repairs and the cookies I didn’t eat.
FR. BEN: You didn’t have any of the Oreos?
FR. KLEM: Uh-oh…
LILITH: Now, Devorah. What do you say we get back to the school?
DEVORAH: (“Sounds like a plan boss lady, but this time I’m driving.”) Quack.
[MUSIC: A cover of The Vanishing Act song plays using staccato strings and twinkly bells and fades as the Narrator finishes speaking.]
NARRATOR: And as Lilith Von Hitzler and Devorah the Duck set their sights back on Hirschfelder’s School for Yalmulked Youngsters circa 1947, Fathers Ben and Klem turned and began their short journey back into the church.
FR. KLEM: You know, I’m really gonna miss that duck.
FR. BEN: Don’t worry, Klem, it’s not like this box is just gonna disa… -
[SFX: The Vanishing Box vanishes into thin air behind them.]
FR. KLEM: What the hell?! Did you hear that?
FR. BEN: Yes, but…
FR. KLEM: She’s gone. Did you see anything? My back was turned–
FR. BEN: No. No, I didn’t see anything.
FR. KLEM: How do you think she got out of here so fast?
FR. BEN: Well…I guess, if we’re operating on faith…that was a fully functional, not-on-fire Vanishing Box piloted by Lilith Von Hitzler and a duck named Devorah.
FR. KLEM: Well… The lord sure works in mysterious ways, don’t he? Now let’s get to the store, it’s 2-for-1 on store brand butter cookies.
[MUSIC: There’s whoosh in the air before the piano cover of The Vanishing Act cover plays underneath the Narrator again.]
NARRATOR: And so the worlds go back to their status quo, and hopefully our quartet learned a thing or two. I think they did anyway. In fact, since I’m the narrator for at least half of the characters in this little crossover, I’m confirming they did. And whether the thing that fuels your confined wooden box is science or god, I’d like to think you got something out of it as well. And if you didn’t then stay the absolute hell out of the comment section. So until next time, when we’re all back in our respective stories facing the same challenges and hopefully confronting them slightly differently, I’d say job well done and whatever-you-think-of-as-“peace” be with you. Ta ta!
[MUSIC: Tkey piao cover continues to flesh out with loud, staccato strings as the episode ends. Percussion enters as soon as the credits begin.]
ADAM RAYMONDA: Forgive The Vanishing Act is a Rogue Dialogue and Vanishing Act Production. This episode was written and directed by Ian Geers and Lauren Grace Thompson.
Story editing by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marrone.
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Here’s our cast:
Lauren Grace Thompson The Narrator and Devorah
Tina Muñoz Pandya Lilith Von Hitzler
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
Josh Rubino Father Klem
The Vanishing Act’s Main theme was originally composed by Baldemar.
Music arrangement, composition, sound design, and mixing for this episode by me, Adam Raymonda.
The graphic design for this crossover series comes from Sam Twardy.
To become a patron of Forgive Me! Make your way over to www.patreon.com/roguedialogue
And to support The Vanishing Act, head over to www.ko-fi.com/vanishingpod. That’s KO-FI.com/vanishingpod.
Both Forgive Me! and The Vanishing Act have two full seasons that have already been released. If this was your first introduction to either show, we hope that you go give the rest of the episodes a listen.
This episode was an absolute blast to make. Thank you so much for listening!
[MUSIC: As the credits end, we hear the final few bars of The Vanishing Act cover before all of the instruments fade out.]