Episode transcript - “You Can’t Eat a shoe”
[SFX: We hear the sounds of a motor boat cruising out to the middle of a lake before the engine cuts and we’re treated to the tweeting of nearby birds.]
FR. BEN: So glad we were finally able to find the time to do this, Bill.
BILL: Me too, Father. (Opening a beer bottle) Would you like a round, boys?
PAT: I’d love one, thanks Bill.
FR. KLEM: Make that two.
FR. BEN: (confused) At 8 AM on a Monday?
[SFX: Bill rustles around in the cooler and grabs two more bottles, passing them around the boat. The others crack them open.]
BILL: (chuckling) It’s part of the ritual. But I’ve got some water bottles too, if that’s not really your speed.
FR. BEN: Don’t let me spoil the party, I guess I could go for a nice cold beer.
[SFX: Bill grabs one last beer from the cooler and hands it to Ben, who proceeds to open it and take a hearty chug.]
FR. BEN: (pained) You can really feel it on your teeth when they’re freshly brushed, can’t you?
PAT: (laughing) Don’t worry, Father, you’ll get used to it… with practice.
FR. KLEM: (chuckling) I wouldn’t count on that one, he can put on this laid-back show all he wants, but we all know he’s a teetotaler!
FR. BILL: You can’t blame the boy just because you’ve been drinking your breakfast since before he was born.
FR. KLEM: (fake shocked) You wound me, Bill! Oh!
BILL: (smug but happy) Hey, I just call it like I see it.
[SFX: There’s some more light rustling as the men settle in, opening a container of bait, and getting their rods set up.]
BEN: (squeamish) Eugh, I’ve never been good at this part. They’re just so squirmy!
FR. KLEM: Oh, Benji, why am I not surprised? I thought you said you’d done this before.
FR. BEN: I have! My dad used to take my brother Alex and I out all the time, but he’d always bait my hooks. Did anybody happen to bring any sweet corn? Now that was something I always had a pretty good handle on getting on the hook.
BILL: Didn’t have a chance to swing by the grocery store this morning, so I don’t, but I see you remember something from being out on the water.
FR. BEN: (chuckles) That’s alright. Honestly, it’s probably better, dad always said Alex and I snuck so many handfuls of the stuff that we never had any left for the fish. I can make these night crawlers work.
PAT: You want some help? Here, pass it over.
FR. BEN: No, that’s okay…
PAT: It’s no problem.
[SFX: Pat ignores Ben and takes the rod away from him, baiting it with ease.]
PAT: You need help casting as well?
FR. BEN: (ego hurt) No, no, I can handle that myself well enough, thanks.
BILL: If anything changes, you just holler, alright?
FR. BEN: Thanks guys…
[SFX: Things settle down for a moment as, at separate intervals, three lines are cast with simple precision. The last person to cast is Ben, who has a few false starts.]
BILL: You sure you don’t want any help over there, pal?
FR. BEN: I swear, I’ve got this!
[SFX: After another moment of fumbling, Ben finally succeeds in casting his line. He sits back and takes another sip with less of a grimace than the first time.]
FR. BEN: (proud of himself) See? I told you!
FR. KLEM: Yes, yes, very impressive. I expect you’ll be looking for a participation trophy or medal of some sort now?
[SFX: At that, Klem, Bill, and Pat try and fail at stifling a chuckle at Ben’s expense.]
FR. BEN: Haha, very funny.
FR. KLEM: They seem to think so.
BILL: Aw, just some gentle hazing, Father. Par for the course for the rookies out here with us, I’m afraid.
PAT: Yeah, Klem can talk all he wants, Ben, but you should’ve seen how helpless he was the first time he tried casting a line. Heh, it was adorable.
FR. KLEM: First?! More like first time in twenty years. Have you forgotten how old I am? It was my rheumatism acting up that day, that’s all.
FR. BEN: (relieved) Hoof, I’m glad to know I’m not the only novice here among us.
FR. KLEM: (salty) Speak for yourself.
FR. BEN: So, where’s George today, Bill?
BILL: Out visiting the grandbabies in Canajoharie.
FR. BEN: That’s wonderful. It was awful nice of him to let us use this boat of his today.
BILL: You know my brother, just so long as I bring it back in one piece with a full tank of gas and a few leftover cans in the cooler, he’s happy to share the wealth.
FR. BEN: Even still, you make sure he knows how appreciative we are, yeah?
BILL: I certainly will.
FR. KLEM: Benji?
FR. BEN: Yes?
FR. KLEM: These two fine gentlemen here are far too polite to say it, but if we’re hoping to catch anything out here at all today, you’re really going to need to zip it up and throw away the key.
FR. BEN: (chuckling) Yes, yes, of course. Forgive me Pat, Bill.
BILL: Never you mind him, you know as well as I do that your superior here is nothing but a grumpy old coot.
PAT: Hah! You’re just saying that cause this grumpy old coot landed the biggest White Bass any one of us had ever seen last month.
FR. KLEM: Oh yeah, jealousy isn’t a flattering color on you, Thompson.
FR. BEN: Hah! Pot: meet kettle.
FR. KLEM: What are you even talking about?
PAT: The way you stare at that poor boy’s breakfasts every time you’re in my diner is no secret, Klem.
[SFX: For a moment they all laugh, but finally, things quiet for a moment.]
[MUSIC: Contemplative acoustic guitar and accordion briefly play in the quiet, before petering out.]
FR. BEN: Sheesh, it really is beautiful out here, isn’t it? People can say whatever they want about Central New York being drab and boring, but there’s nothing quite like it if you ask me. (taking a deep breath of the air) The way that clean air just fills up your lungs, with no smog to speak of? And gosh, would you just look at the way the sun shimmers off the water like that? Forgive me for saying it, but I think this is the most stunning place I’ve ever seen.
FR. KLEM: You moved here from Binghamton, I can’t imagine you’ve seen that many other places, Benji.
FR. BEN: Maybe so, but why would you need to when something this majestic is right in your backyard?
BILL: I’m not here to tell you you’re wrong, but—
FR. BEN: Sounds to me like that’s exactly what you’re about to do!
BILL: There are more beautiful places than this. Before Sue passed, we got to take a couple of cross-country bus tours. And until you’ve stood at the edge of the Grand Canyon, and stared down into its seemingly endless void, and really taken in the scope of how massive this world is? I don’t think you can fully appreciate its many wonders.
[SFX: The boat shifts in the water as it laps up against the sides.]
FR. BEN: That sounds incredible.
BILL: It certainly was.
PAT: I’ve always wanted to get out there and see more of the world, but I haven’t had the chance. Every year I tell myself, this will be the year that I take a vacation, and yet something or other inevitably gets in the way and it starts all over again. *sad chuckle* I guess that’s what I get for opening a business that’s open 24/7, 365, you know?
FR. BEN: Don’t I know it. You don’t get any real sick or vacation time as a priest either.
FR. KLEM: Aren’t you the one that just spent a week in Boston?
FR. BEN: (sigh) Red Line, actually, but that didn’t count cause I ended up working my way through most of it anyway.
BILL: You really all should make the time. There’s always gonna be an excuse not to get out of dodge for a while, but I can promise you that those are the memories I cherish with Sue the most. Holding hands with her, walking through the Redwood Forest and trying to comprehend the sheer bulk of those magnificent trees? Laughing about how they were bigger than our first apartment? Those are the memories I go back to whenever I’m really missing her.
FR. BEN: That’s beautiful, Bill. It must feel good to know that the two of you made the most of your time together.
BILL: It really does, Father. It really does.
FR. KLEM: You think that’s something, imagine spending time at the Vatican. Now that is a beautiful building if ever I’ve seen one.
PAT: I’m surprised you’ve gotten yourself out of this town long enough to see it. I’ve never known you to be someone who loves the finer things in life.
FR. KLEM: I lived a whole life before I ever even set foot in St. Patrick’s.
FR. BEN: Careful, Klem, you start getting too defensive on us and these boys are gonna think they’re talking to two of me.
FR. KLEM: You take that back right now.
BILL: Aw, c’mon. Cut the kid some slack, you know full well he’s telling the truth!
FR. KLEM: So I like the occasional bit of spectacular architecture: sue me.
PAT: I’ll drink to that!
[SFX: They share a friendly cheers and take sips of their beers.]
FR. KLEM: Joking aside though, Benny, when you went out fishing with your family, did you ever catch anything?
FR. BEN: I wouldn’t say I’ve ever won any competitions, but I wasn’t incompetent either, thank you very much.
FR. KLEM: Pretty shocking, if you ask me.
FR. BEN: (defensive) And why do you say that?
FR. KLEM: Oh, you talk so much, I’m amazed your little voice didn’t alert every little swimmer in a 10-mile radius to steer clear!
FR. BEN: (smiling, sheepish) My dad did say that he only ever brought us out so we’d have to shut up for an hour and a half for once in our lives. But I mean, he knew us, so he must’ve realized what he was getting himself into.
BILL: Hah! I can imagine. I used to try and bring Shannon out when she was a kid, to give Sue some alone time, and to bond with her, but boy did she get bored. Oof. There’s not a whole lot out here for a twelve-year-old to do for three hours. Hmm, now that I think about it, I don’t think George and I ever much wanted to be out there when we were her age either.
FR. KLEM: Bill, don’t encourage the boy!
BILL: Oh, what do you care? It’s not like you ever do anything but toss the fish back into the water after you catch them anyways.
FR. BEN: (shocked) Excuse me?
FR. KLEM: So l don’t get my rocks off on killing living creatures!
PAT: That’s certainly not your attitude when it comes to bacon, I’ll tell you that much.
FR. BEN: I’m seeing so many new sides of you today, Klem! An earnest appreciation for the iconography of our church, a sincere appreciation for the lives of innocent animals… What’re they gonna tell me next, that you’re hoping to convert the whole town over to solar energy? I always knew you were way more of a softy than you let on!
BILL: Hah, that’ll be the day. You know this man can’t live without a real German gas guzzler.
FR. KLEM: Ain’t that the truth!
FR. BEN: You know, I hazard to say this, but…
FR. KLEM: So don’t.
FR. BEN: When I was a kid, fishing with Alex? Especially when we were really little? I’d always make my dad throw whatever we caught back too. Which he hated, because the man loved a fish fry, but even more than that, he loved me. So he obliged. And, you know, maybe it was because I’d always cry, every time I looked at one of those beautiful creatures wriggling around, helpless on the hook, but I appreciated it. Then, afterwards, he’d feel so bad about not having anything to bring home to our mom to cook, that he’d make us stop at the seafood section so we could pretend we weren’t coming back empty-handed. I mean, I think she knew fully well we weren’t catching branzino in a freshwater lake, but it’s the thought that counts, I guess.
FR. KLEM: Are you going somewhere with all this?
FR. BEN: It’s just nice to know the two of us have something in common, however small.
FR. KLEM: (joking) Oh, you take that back right now!
PAT: That’s adorable.
BILL: Shannon was the same way. I guess I shouldn’t have been shocked when she came home from her fifth grade trip to the slaughterhouse a vegetarian, but I still was. She just loved steak so much, I couldn’t wrap my head around her insistence on a diet of romaine lettuce and baby carrots!
FR. BEN: I know I only met your daughter briefly, but I’ve gotta be honest, Bill, that story does not surprise me one bit.
PAT: (chuckling) Now I just can’t stop imagining baby Ben out fishing with Klem as a young man, reeling in the big ones only to share a good cry together before throwing them back in the water!
FR. KLEM: That’d be the day.
FR. BEN: (as if it’s just dawning on him) You know, now that I think about it, if you take away the accent and the rampant nihilism, you really are a lot like my father. Maybe that’s why we get along so well.
FR. KLEM: That’s just creepy.
FR. BEN: I’m serious! The man loved things to be a certain way in his home, was addicted to red meat and sugary sweets to his own detriment, and he was an absolute sucker for reality television.
PAT: (laughing) That certainly sounds like you, Klem!
FR. KLEM: Does that mean you’re hoping I’ll go and marry your mother now, Benji? Cause I’ve gotta be honest, I’m sure she’s a perfectly nice lady, but I couldn’t commit myself to someone who had the audacity to raise a child like you.
BILL: (laughing) That’s just wrong!
FR. BEN: (suddenly earnest) Laugh all you want, but the comparisons are there. And you know what? That’s exactly the kind of joke he would’ve made in this situation too, so you’re only proving my point. *sigh* I miss him, I really do, but I guess sometimes when we’re together, it feels like he’s still here with me. And as much as you drive me insane, frankly, in all the same ways he did, it means a lot to me to have that. So I’m glad you stuck around St. Patrick’s, despite my original misgivings.
FR. KLEM: You’d better be, cause lord knows you’re not gonna get rid of me that easily.
[SFX: As the men are talking, somewhere in the background, we hear the telltale sound of a bobber going under the water.]
PAT: You’ve got to be shitting me.
FR. BEN: What?
BILL: You’ve got something on the hook, Father!
FR. BEN: Seriously?!
FR. KLEM: Don’t just stand there, boy! Reel it in!
FR. BEN: (startled) Of course, of course. I’ve got this.
[SFX: Ben struggles as he picks up his rod and begins to wrestle with whatever’s on the hook.]
FR. BEN: Ha! And after all that, who’s the only one of us that managed to snag something today?
PAT: Don’t jinx yourself, kid!
BILL: Yeah, remember: this isn’t over until the fish is out of the water, Benny!
FR. BEN: (gloating even more) Gosh, it feels like a huge one! I bet I’m going to even beat your White Bass, Klem!
FR. KLEM: You’ve still got to catch it first!
FR. BEN: Shut up, I’m concentrating!
[SFX: Ben continues to wrestle with the rod, reeling it in furiously, but it’s clearly fighting back.]
FR. BEN: (laughing now) I can’t believe I’ve actually got something!
PAT: What’d I tell you about jinxing it?!
FR. BEN: Aw, c’mon, look at me right now! This thing is clearly massive, and it came to me.
FR. KLEM: (bitter) I swear to Christ, if you actually beat my record right now, I give up. That’s the end of fishing for me. We’ll have to figure out another group activity because anything Ben can beat me at is off-limits.
BILL: Ohhh, I see someone is just as bad at losing as they are winning? Color me shocked.
[SFX: After one last tense bit of reeling, something finally crests the water and hits the floor of the boat with a thud. Upon realizing what it is, Bill, Pat, and Klem burst out laughing.]
PAT: (fighting back tears) He’s certainly got your White Bass beat, Klem!
BILL: Yeah, what size do you think that thing is? A 13 and a half?
FR. KLEM: What are you doing, Benny!? Toss it back into the drink, you don’t want to kill the poor rain boot!
FR. BEN: (grumbling) At least I caught something. I don’t see any of you doing any better.
FR. KLEM: Aren’t you going to your mom’s for a barbeque later? Maybe you can bring this back for dinner!
PAT: No, no, we know your stance on living creatures. He’s just gonna have to swing by BuyMore so he can pick up a fresh pair instead!
FR. BEN: You all know as well as I do that you can’t eat a shoe!
PAT: Speak for yourself!
FR. KLEM: Yeah, aren’t you always the one that’s out there saying that anybody can do anything, so long as they believe it?
FR. BEN: (sighing) I’m never gonna live this one down, am I?
BILL: No, no, you’re not. At least, not until you actually catch something worth a damn.
FR. BEN: You… you mean you still want me to come with you again sometime?
PAT: Of course we do!
FR. KLEM: We just ask, kindly, that you get all of your monologuing out of your system before we get out on the lake next time, yeah?
FR. BEN: (sheepish) I think I can do that.
BILL: Then you’re on! Now uh, what do you boys think about calling it quits and headed over to Father's mom’s house for a barbeque?
PAT: That is, if we’re invited.
FR. BEN: Of course! It’s about a three-hour drive, but the more the merrier. So long as Klem doesn’t get any funny ideas, anyway.
FR. KLEM: Cross my heart and hope to die!
[SFX: The rest of the men reel their lines in and Bill restarts the boat’s motor.]
[MUSIC: The contemplative acoustic guitar, and strings begin to play again over the sound of the boat.]
FR. BEN: (quietly, to Bill) In all seriousness, I can’t thank you enough for including me. You all have no idea how bad I’ve needed a day like this.
BILL: On the contrary, Father, your partner there knew exactly how bad you needed it.
FR. BEN: He did, did he?
BILL: He really did. I know he likes to give you a hard time, but he cares about you. A lot.
FR. BEN: (happy) Yeah, I guess you can say I care about him too.
[MUSIC: The acoustic guitar music fades and shifts as the end credits music start to play.]
Forgive Me! is a Rogue Dialogue production. This episode was written and directed by Bob Raymonda and Jack Marone.
Here’s our cast in order of appearance:
Casey Callaghan Father Ben
David S. Dear Bill
Graham Rowat Pat
Josh Rubino Father Klem
Dialogue Editing by Bob Raymonda.
Sound design, score, and mixing by me Adam Raymonda.
All of the graphic design comes from Sam Twardy.
Find out about we’re up to by following @forgivemeshow on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter.
Thank you for listening to this little Labor Day Special, we’ll be back next month with something special… for Halloween! See you then, bye!
[MUSIC: The credits music comes to a crescendo as Adam sings, “Ohh won’t you forgive me?”]